Calls became too expensive when phone service refused to substitute “roaming” charges with “ranging” charges.

Couldn’t take advantage of friends-and-family rates, on account of being lone.

Didn’t need picture phone and digital camera.

Kept accidentally putting phone in gun holster, resulting in “speed dial” return fire.

Tonto: “Kemosabe, if you don’t change ringer from William Tell Overture, I walk.”