Newly out? Need help navigating the exciting and scary world of makeup? Just follow these ten essential tips, because nothing is more important to your survival than getting really good at covering up your face.
1. Swollen tear ducts make it easier to get a nice crisp line, so do that eyeliner right after your morning crying session. Don’t worry, you cry all the time so you’ll have plenty of opportunities for touch-ups.
2. Express yourself with bold, bright lipstick colors! You have so much freedom to pick a color that expresses you and that someone will eventually use to draw unflattering conclusions about your relationship to patriarchy.
3. A high-quality concealer is your best friend! Something with a light orange tint will cover up facial hair, brighten the haunted circles under your eyes, and even conceal rage. With enough, it’s possible to become completely invisible!
4. Save money by skipping that blush! Other women will still be sure to compliment you on those natural “well-defined cheekbones.”
5. Contour! Contour! Contour! It’s important to learn how to use strategic shading to contour your feelings right out of existence. If you get really good at this, people might stop reminding you to smile all the time.
6. Consider going to the Halloween store, getting the “Werewolf” kit (with fangs and fake blood), and just wearing that everywhere you go. You’ll find that people are more likely to leave you alone when you meet their expectations.
7. Be smart, and pack a kit of “touch-up” items in your bag at all times. Just the basics: eyeliner, lipstick, concealer. Also, this is a good place to keep spare anxiety meds for emergencies.
8. All these products can get really expensive! If, like most trans women, you have trouble making ends meet — make a budget and think about what you can sacrifice. Food is a good place to start, and everyone will love the new, slimmer you!
9. Hydration is key! Drink plenty of water for plumper, healthier looking skin! Between the spiro and the late-night muffled sobbing, you should consider just carrying an IV around with you.
10. Have fun! Remember that makeup is a personal choice and a fun way for a woman to express herself. Since anything you do is sure to be immediately weaponized against your womanhood… consider that a challenge to do whatever the fuck you want, girl.