1. “You are a moderately decent human being.”

2. “I mean, you’re okay.”

3. “Email etiquette requires that I feign appreciation and artificially inflate your intrinsic value thanks to your efforts on this tedious task.”

4. “I’m probably not going to tip you well, so I hope these hollow words will do.”

5. “I just can’t with you, but prevailing circumstances dictate civility.”

6. “These are the words of ancient witches that shall command you under my spell and behold your actions to my will! Favors forthcoming! Cahahahaha!

7. “I regularly exude false positivity to compensate for the beyond-fermented state of my soul.”

8. “You are officially the best. Until I call that guy over there the best. This cycle repeats every 75 minutes.”

9. “In all seriousness, of all the family, friends, and partners that have supported for me during the darkest recesses of my mental health breaks — which include depressions as deep as the ocean, specifically where the glowy neon creatures dwell — because you added an extra splash of oat milk to my lavender tea, you are the highest-quality person I have ever encountered.”

10. “You’re terrible.”