Thank you so much for bringing in 16 bins of your clothes to sell at Plato’s Exchange today. We know that you’ve spent several years and hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, building this wardrobe, and that’s why we’re happy to say that we can offer 85 cents for all of it.
We know that offer is probably a little less than you expected, but try not to take it personally. It’s just clear to every teen working behind the counter that you’re a full-grown adult who doesn’t know how to dress yourself, and you probably never did.
We make our offers based on style, condition, and brand. You are the first person in the history of this store whose items were somehow lacking all three.
For a lot of your items, it was really just an issue of wear and tear. As in, if I saw someone wearing those clothes in public, I would be ethically obligated to tear them off and throw them in the trash.
We really do appreciate you bringing in your dumpy garbage clothes for us to consider! Admitting that these collective 16 bins of cotton slop represent how you’ve presented yourself, both personally and professionally, for any number of years is truly — and please, take this as condescendingly as possible — very brave.
We know a low offer can be frustrating, but it’s a simple matter of supply-and-demand: You supplied us with your fashion debris, and now we demand that you cross yourself and say six thousand “Hail Zaras” as penance.
Let’s do a thought exercise: so imagine you’re standing in an extremely dirty room — just coated in dirt and dust — and you drop a ripe, peeled banana on the floor, and it rolls into the corner. Now imagine what would be stuck to that banana when you picked it back up. Got that picture in your mind? So the dirty debris on the banana is equivalent to the clothing you’ve brought us today. And unfortunately, dirty banana debris is just not selling well for us at this time.
Now, as you can see, we’ve split your items into two piles: this giant mountain of clothing on the left is what we won’t be able to accept, and this single camisole on the right is what our manager said we should take so that you don’t — how did she put it? — “spin out into a full existential crisis.” Our manager is 16 and you are making her sad by being over 25 and in her line of sight.
(A little industry secret: we refer to that giant clothing mountain as “K2.” As in, “K, too many Target Mossimo v-neck tees here.”)
And by the way: we know the tags say Forever 21, but we need you to understand that the plus or minus on that is really more like three or four years.
As we mentioned, we can’t offer more than 85 cents today, but based on the fact that 60% of your items are iterations of the same gray shirt, we are able to offer you a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. Don’t feel bad! It’s not just you: Stacy, the associate who had to touch your horrid sacks of trash trappings, has it now, too. And doctors agree: your ugly clothes gave it to her.
We do apologize for the confusion when we got on the intercom and announced that we had an offer ready for a “family of feral raccoons who didn’t prioritize fashion.” We were just working with the information your clothes provided us. We can now see from your buying slip that your name is actually pronounced “Ashley.”
To be honest, when you first dropped off your items, we thought, “Did this person just lower a laundry basket into the tank of a working Porta-Potty and then bring it here?” But then we realized, “No, this is just what her clothes look like.”
And while your items may not be right for our customers, you could always donate them to someone who might appreciate your fashion choices, like a day drunk peacock, a moldy sponge having a midlife crisis, or a vacuum filter that’s absolutely given up.
I can tell you’re getting a little upset, so why don’t we do the thing that nothing in this pile of polyester blends can: just breathe.
We also understand that you may be confused that we’re rejecting all of your clothes, when you can see that the exact same brands and styles are in fact, all currently for sale in our store. This situation is known as “The Sartorial Schrodinger” and we refuse to elaborate.
And yeah, ultimately, it’s just that unfortunately, items like shirts, shorts, pants, and skirts aren’t selling well for us right now. Also, for future reference, I’m giving you a card that lists out the items we’re always looking for: things like shirts, shorts, pants, and skirts.
If you have any of these at home, please bring them in.