This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the beginning of the annual Voter Purge. At the siren, all constitutional rights will be suspended for twelve hours. Your government thanks you for your participation.
To All Election Administrators,
Thank you for participating in America’s annual Voter Purge. After decades of sneakily suppressing votes under the guise of “election maintenance” and “preventing voter fraud,” America is thrilled to dedicate one night every year to aggressively removing undesirable voters from our election rolls.
We are very encouraged by last year’s numbers, which suggest that Georgia was able to purge almost half a million people from their rolls in a single day. We applaud Georgia’s efforts to undermine our democratic system and we hope to continue to ride this momentum into this year’s Voter Purge festivities.
Please note: this year’s celebrations will include post-Purge performances by musical guests Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down.
Why Do We Purge?
The Voter Purge offers government officials a release from all the hatred and bigotry they keep inside. By Purging once a year, we offer America’s representatives the opportunity to disenfranchise their constituents, while still helping to ensure their own re-election.
Who Supports The Purge?
A recent government-sponsored survey indicates that 90% of all Americans support the Voter Purge. An evaluation of the 10% who say they oppose these practices reveals that this dissenting faction has already been purged.
Guidelines For This Year’s Voter Purge
- Weapons of Class 4 and lower have been authorized for use during the Voter Purge. These weapons include gerrymandering, creating unnecessary impediments to registration, pushing harsher voter ID laws, limiting early voting, and reducing polling locations for communities of color. Please understand these are only suggestions — your government encourages you to get creative! If you want to conceal a voting station by stacking multiple pickup trucks in front of it, your government encourages you to live your dreams.
- Government officials have been granted immunity from the Voter Purge. These names shall not be removed from registries, even in cases when officials have moved out of state, committed a felony, or transcended their physical bodies and entered another plane of existence.
- Commencing at the siren, any and all forms of voter suppression will be legal for twelve continuous hours. This includes racial profiling, blatant discrimination, and kicking senior citizens off buses headed to early voting stations.
- Government services will be unavailable to assist citizens until the Voter Purge has concluded or the Midterm votes have been counted.
Best Voter Purging Practices
- If a citizen’s name does not directly match the name listed on their voter registration application, this citizen may be purged without notice.
- If a citizen’s name does match, but the name sounds like it could potentially belong to a member of a marginalized community, this citizen may be purged without notice.
- If the citizen’s name matches the name listed on their application but you saw that they once liked a pro “Black Lives Matter” tweet, the citizen may be purged without notice.
- If a citizen has refrained from voting in a previous election, they may be purged without notice.
- If a citizen fails to provide a handwritten signature on their voter registration, they may be purged without notice.
- If a citizen provides a handwritten signature, but you’re underwhelmed by their cursive, they may be purged without notice.
- If a citizen has previously voted for a Democratic candidate, they may be purged without notice.
As always, we appreciate your participation in our annual Voter Purge. We encourage you to reflect on all the good the Purge does; we mean it when we say that we truly could not attempt a Purge of this magnitude without your support. We hope these guidelines help get you excited and we encourage you pick up an I PURGED sticker on your way out.
Thanks so much and we look forward to an unforgettable Voter Purge,
The United States Government