Our 3rd most-read article of 2019
(Originally published May 20, 2019)
Now don’t get me wrong, I love Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris. But as great as they and the other female candidates are, I think Democrats should be focusing more on a sure-fire nominee who can beat Trump. Electability should be our number one priority, and I’m just not sure if America is ready to embrace a female candidate yet — especially considering that Hillary Clinton only got three million more votes than Donald Trump in 2016.
After that shocking blow, it became very clear that the problem isn’t the antiquated electoral college system that gives disproportionate influence to whiter states, but rather the problem is the woman thing. Americans, excluding those 65.8 million who made Hillary Clinton the person with the second most votes ever, just aren’t yet ready to elect a woman president.
And the stakes are just too high this time around to risk it by nominating yet another highly qualified woman in 2020.
That’s why I think we need someone like Joe Biden, who’s a shining example of electability, and who has only lost two presidential elections before this one. Or even Beto O’Rourke, a person who can really unite people of all shades of white, and who is another pro at getting elected. And even though Bernie Sanders couldn’t unite Democrats the last time around, he surely will be able to unite the country better than any woman could.
After all, we have to play this smart, especially since Republicans decided to go with someone who is a traditional example of a highly electable candidate: a scandal-ridden reality television star. We have to bring our A-game and not risk it with these women who just bring decades of government experience and hundreds of pages of thoughtfully written policy to the table.
We need someone that people can see themselves getting a beer with, because drinking beer is one of the most important parts of being a president. And as everybody knows, women don’t drink beer because their lady stomachs can’t handle the enzymes because of their periods.
Anyway, we need someone likable, because that’s who gets the most votes. Just think of a student council election. Everybody goes for the lovable goof, not the high-strung nerd with a big, boring speech about all the things she wants to implement at the school to help the student body. The popular kid gets the votes, even if that means lunch prices rise and he forgets to book a DJ for the prom.
But, of course, some people want a candidate with “policy” who can represent people other than straight white men. To those people, I say there is a fine alternative: the vice presidency. That way we can sneak representation past sexist America like a Trojan horse, and then a supremely qualified woman can be relegated to doing photo-ops at ice cream shops or whatever else a vice president does. They won’t mind having to play second fiddle to a less-qualified man. It’s not like they’ve had to put up with this kind of thing since the beginning of time.
Another good compromise? How about instead of nominating a woman this election, we just have more fictional female TV presidents? It’s a win-win if you think about it. Women get some representation, and the Democrats can regain a real-life president. Plus, actresses like Sigourney Weaver and Diane Lane get some work.
Listen, I want a first female president just as much as the next guy. But now just isn’t the time. We tried going for it once and it didn’t work out. So maybe next time, or the time after that, or three or four times after that. I can’t commit to when exactly because who knows, the stakes might be just as high in 2024 or 2028 or the next half-dozen or so general elections in the future. Besides, there are probably going to be some fresh male faces that we should be seriously considering then anyway. You know, to promote progress within the party.
Read an interview with Tom Smyth about writing this piece over on our Patreon page.