6:10 p.m. Struggle over what to wear: the Armani or the OshKosh. Settle on the OshKosh to project playful persona. Add touch of macho with Bob the Builder ball cap.
6:37 p.m. Go through checklist: wallet, keys, wet wipes, shoes on correct feet.
6:56 p.m. Arrive at date’s apartment. Date turns out to be tall, voluptuous brunette who smells like fabric softener. Stare at breasts, hungrily. Say, “I’m hungry.”
7:10 p.m. Chitchat about weather, jobs, bunnies, WMDs, ice cream. Mistake potpourri for munchies.
7:25 p.m. Prepare to leave for restaurant. Ask date to help zip coat. Date looks uneasy at offer to “hop into my shaggin’ wagon” until she sees it actually is a wagon.
7:43 p.m. Arrive at restaurant. Get haughty with waiter for not offering booster seat quickly enough. Order drinks: a highball and a hot chocolate. Ask incredulously, “You ordered an eyeball?”
7:47 p.m. Awkward silence. Ask passing waiter for crayons. Breadbasket arrives. Pile on plate, making house of Melba toast. Battle ensues between knife and fork. Quietly go “Ah-h-h-h-h!” as fork plummets to its death off edge of table in slow motion. Date excuses herself to freshen up.
7:53 p.m. Date orders salmone al cartoccio. Dump handful of change on table and ask, “How much will this buy?” Settle on hamburger and french fries.
8:02 p.m. Conversation starter “I like puddles” goes nowhere. Crawl under table.
8:08 p.m. Meals arrive. Complain to waiter that hamburger has pickles on it and that you don’t like pickles and that you don’t want it. Date suggests just removing pickles. Argue that pickles have touched the hamburger. Realize that date just doesn’t get it and that this isn’t going to work out.
8:40 p.m. Finish eating in silence, except for occasional singing to self. Spill hot chocolate while making salt and pepper shakers dance the hokey-pokey. Say, “Oopsies!” Date claims headache, takes a pass on attending 9:10 showing of Chicken Little.
8:47 p.m. On way home, impress date by accurately identifying the colors of passing cars.
8:56 p.m. Escort date to door. Date declines your request to see her bedroom. Announce “Hugs!” and leap into date’s arms. Wave bye-bye and say, “Night-night. Have a good sleep.”
9:16 p.m. Arrive home and call buddy. Inform him that “she’s my girlfriend and I’m going to marry her.” Lie about getting some “tickle action.” Describe date as a “MILF.”