Greetings, fellow lovers of the football. I am honored that each week you come to me to consult the oracles and determine who will stand on the 100-yard battlefield victorious and devouring the remains of his enemies. As you are well aware, many of the outcomes predicted last week were false, but the problem has been fixed! I have re-blessed and buried my rubbing board, and my wife and daughters have been sent to sleep away from me until they are no longer menstruating. Now, on to the picks! (Home teams are in all caps.)
BILLS (PK) over Dolphins
Joey Harrington seems to have finally conceded to last year’s suggestion to attempt to discover the witch that was making his eyes and arm sick. Coach Saban and the rest of the organization have been uncharacteristically quiet, but, when Harrington took over the starting job, there must have been a point during the press conference when he publicly declared that he knew the witch’s identity. Unfortunately, the Dolphins still have the witchcraft against Ronnie Brown to rid themselves of, and besides, are you really going to take the boys from sunny Miami against the frozen tundra that is Ralph Wilson Stadium?
Broncos (-2.5) over CARDS
Expect the horse to trample over the bird in this huge mismatch. The board stuck on the Broncos, so expect four quarters of careful defense, field goals, and Matt Leinart spending a lot of time getting digits on the sidelines. On another note, someone better tell Coach Shanahan that this whole Mike Bell/Tatum Bell thing is killing my fantasy team every week.
PACKERS (+3.5) over Lions
It is often said that a sleeping lion is the most dangerous in all the veldt. The same may be said for these lions, who have yet to wake from their slumber since their opening game. That being said, I took two sticks out to the termite mounds behind my house and consulted the termite oracle. The termites say that Favre at home is going to be like a day on safari, and you should take the points.
BEARS (-10.5) over Buccaneers
The other night I sent my eldest son out to the woods to set up a pile of sticks on top of each other. He addressed the sticks, saying, “If the Buccaneers can withstand the defensive onslaught of the powerful Bears, let this pile remain tomorrow.” When he returned in the morning, the pile had crumbled, much like Tampa Bay’s O-line before Brian Urlacher this Sunday. And, just for the record, this does not mean I’m back on the Rex Grossman bandwagon. That man is dead to me.
SAINTS (-8.5) over Redskins
In truth, the rubbing board initially told me that the heathens would defy the missionaries on this day. Disbelieving, I administered benge to one of my chickens, telling it to spare the chicken if the Saints win and cover the spread. While it may be true that I have one dead chicken sitting in my backyard, I tell you this: I’m not betting against Drew Brees or America’s Team at home anymore.
COLTS (-1.5) over Bengals
This game seemed too close to trust to inferior oracles like the rubbing board, the sticks, or even the termites. I went straight to the poison oracle, and asked it a series of questions to determine who would be the victor in the battle of these two majestic animals. Though I lost one chicken to the question of the Colts’ run defense, the next chicken was spared when questioned about Rudi Johnson’s explosiveness and ability to create his own lanes. When asked if Peyton would give a dominant performance for this Monday night game, the poison oracle answered in the affirmative. After all, the great benge knows that the better Manning usually rises to the challenges of his opponents, unless, of course, it’s a playoff game.