1. There was a coyote dwelling in the endless desert, whose name was Wile E; and that coyote feared God, and eschewed evil, but was hungry, as is nature’s way.
2. God and Satan made a bet, to prove whether ‘twas possible for the coyote to curse God.
3. Satan appeared on Earth as — lo — a speedy treader of the ground, a roadrunner, like a shock of wind cometh in the storm.
4. And Satan’s disguise tantalized the starved coyote, whose very soul cried out in pain and hunger.
5. Pursuing this roadrunner, Wile E. found his speed was no match for Satan’s trickery.
6. Thus did Wile E. require machinery designed to hunt and catch this feathered hell beast, but the machinery did fail.
7. As he was a skilled — though starving — artist, Wile E. painted a wall of rock to look like a continuation of the path.
8. But with Satan’s darkest magic — lo! — the roadrunner sped thru the painting, as if ‘twere truly the road.
9. The coyote feared God and feared too what magic his own paws hath wrought, but needing food still, he charged ahead toward the thusly proven portal in the former rock wall.
10. And he broke his skull, collapsing in agony — the wall was rock again. And then the runner ran, as was his wont, straight back thru the wall and over Wile E.
11. “Wherefore hast this occurred?” Wile E. asked the heavens. “Do I not require some sustenance in this arid, empty plane? Are God’s rules null and void for this bird but not I, who loves and fears God?”
12. And God responded not, but watched the plot closely, while Wile E. ran onward and in the reverse direction, eyes obscured with blood and grime and tears, the tears of doubt.
13. Thus, Wile E. galloped straight off a cliff, and yet, continued on still, running over mere air.
14. And when he looked down and saw — lo! — that he was soaring like the mightiest fowl, his jaw dropped agape in fear of God’s fickle will; and in his sudden burst of doubt, he fell.
15. And Wile E. landed, as do all God’s creatures who cannot sprout wings but attempt flight, and his body extended into an accordion, as musical notes sounded, in perfect synchronicity, from the Heavens above.
16. And Wile E. knew then that the Lord was not only testing but mocking him, mocking him with snatches of music timed to his unspeakable pain.
17. And he knew that he was walking on air but mere moments ago, and that God had made him soar and then fall, as is God’s wont.
18. And he knew the fowl he coveteth as food was none other than the Devil Himself, and Satan chirped “Beep Beep! Beep Beep!” incessantly, a mocking note of laughter directed at the coyote.
19. And the coyote, who could not speak in any tongue, and wanted only life and the means to live such life, held up boards of text reading, “Wherefore?”
20. But ask now the beasts of the sand, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the road, and they shall tell thee:
21. For God only answereth Wile E. by echoing the chime: “Beep-beep! Beep-beep!”