Universal Healthcare

“We should make sure every American has immediate unencumbered access to the tools to defend themselves from germ attacks and agents of biological warfare.”

Free College

“It’s a proactive tax break for future job creators.”

Ending Perpetual War

“Look. maybe the rest of the world should try handling their own problems for once instead of always relying on America to clean up their messes for free.”

Clean Energy

“God would not have created the sun and wind if he didn’t mean for man to use them.”

Higher taxes on the wealthy

“We have to fight against the evils of socialism for corporations and rich people.”


“In my opinion, the more Americans there are the better, or what, you want the Chinese to keep beating us at population size too?”


“It’s a ‘Just Say No’ campaign.”

LGBTQ Rights

“Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I think the founding fathers got it right when they said we’re ALL created equal and I’m not one of those perverts who needs to spy in peoples’ bedrooms and look at what’s under their pants to get my sick rocks off.”

Raising the Minimum Wage

“No point in starting a new business if people can’t afford to purchase stuff from you. More people with money means more people driving American innovation and supporting small businesses. You want to squash American innovation?!”

Climate Change

“I just think we should protect ranchers’, farmers’ and cowboys’ land so they don’t turn into another desert like that nutty Los Angeles.”


“Yeah… so, are any bars open on Christmas around here?”