SOMETHING WITH BREAD
VOICEOVER: For their signature challenge, the bakers were asked to prepare something, anything, with bread. Because, for the love of god, they need to eat today.
PRUE: I appreciate the effort you put into getting out of bed and going to the refrigerator to feed yourself at a reasonable time of day. But you’ve applied the mustard to the slice of bread a bit unevenly. Details like this are important.
PAUL: It’s just yellow mustard on plain bread. I mean, the Dijon was sitting right next to it on the shelf, and you could have used that instead. It’s a shame, really.
Shanti’s Pa-jam-a Toast
SHANTI: This is what I eat when I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas all day.
PAUL: Nicely toasted. Proper jam distribution. Well done.
PRUE: Jam is just lovely—very original flavors.
SHANTI: Thank you. It’s what was left at the bottom of a bunch of nearly empty jars all mixed together.
PRUE: And I wouldn’t have thought to use half of a hot dog bun as the base, but it does work.
Harold’s Slice o’ Bread
PAUL: It’s a bit simple.
PRUE: I have to agree. I would have liked to see something on the bread.
HAROLD: Me too.
VOICEOVER: For the technical, all the bakers were asked to provide a package of prepared chocolate chip cookie dough with a spoon. As you will see, results varied widely.
PAUL (looking at Harold’s cookie): Seems the baker actually tried to bake these. (Flips cookie over.) But then they went and burnt them.
PRUE: Perhaps their goals were a bit too lofty.
HAROLD (talking head): I really wanted to impress the judges this time. But after I got them into the oven, I thought about a conversation I had with my university roommate seven years ago and spent the rest of the challenge thinking about whether or not he hates me.
PRUE (looking at Shanti’s ): The package is still unopened.
PAUL: No spoon either.
SHANTI (talking head, mascara smeared with tears): I kept thinking back to how well I did earlier and became paralyzed with fear I’d never top it. So I stayed at my table and stared at the tube of dough until time was up.
PAUL (looking at Val’s raw dough with no chocolate chips left): Now, this, I didn’t expect at all.
VAL (talking head): Not going to apologize for giving myself a little treat. My therapist says self-denial isn’t going to get me anywhere.
VOICEOVER: The bakers were asked to make a two-course show stopper: A bagged salad and a main course of microwavable dumplings. They were given six hours but could only watch one streaming series.
Val’s McSteam’d Dumplings
PAUL: This one doesn’t appear to have any croutons. The bag came with croutons, yes?
VAL: I ate the croutons during the bomb in the body cavity episode of Grey’s Anatomy, so there weren’t any left for the salad.
PAUL: That was the only baking-related aspect of the entire salad course.
PRUE (inspecting Val’s dumplings): Oh dear, these have come undone.
VAL: I got wrapped up in the Denny Duquette arc and forgot about the dumplings. I just couldn’t believe Izzy cut the LVAD wire.
Harold’s Meal of Ice and Fire
PAUL: Harold, you’ve somehow managed to burn the salad?
HAROLD: I accidentally confused the salad bag with the dumplings bag, and, well…
PRUE: Yet the dumplings are still a bit frozen.
HAROLD: I ran out of time.
PAUL: Ran out of time? You had six hours.
HAROLD: There was just a lot going on. Someone murdered Joffrey. Littlefinger spirited Sansa away. And don’t even get me started on the Red Wedding.
Shanti’s Endive in Paris
PAUL (eating Shanti’s dumplings): Now, these aren’t half bad
SHANTI: It helps to turn on a show you don’t care about missing. I’d like to thank the cast and writers of Emily in Paris for making a show so boring that I remembered to check the dumplings AND enhance the dipping sauce with fresh ginger and garlic.
PRUE: Oh my! You cut ginger?
PAUL: It should be noted you’re not allowed to bring any SSRIs into the tent.
SHANTI: No, I made this entire meal with fully imbalanced brain chemistry.
Paul pauses, eyes twinkling. Sticks out his hand. Shanti beams and shakes Paul’s hand. The tent erupts with clapping.