VOICEOVER: For their signature challenge, the bakers were asked to prepare something, anything, with bread. Because, for the love of god, they need to eat today.

Val’s Bread-fast

PRUE: I appreciate the effort you put into getting out of bed and going to the refrigerator to feed yourself at a reasonable time of day. But you’ve applied the mustard to the slice of bread a bit unevenly. Details like this are important.

PAUL: It’s just yellow mustard on plain bread. I mean, the Dijon was sitting right next to it on the shelf, and you could have used that instead. It’s a shame, really.

Shanti’s Pa-jam-a Toast

SHANTI: This is what I eat when I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas all day.

PAUL: Nicely toasted. Proper jam distribution. Well done.

PRUE: Jam is just lovely—very original flavors.

SHANTI: Thank you. It’s what was left at the bottom of a bunch of nearly empty jars all mixed together.

PRUE: And I wouldn’t have thought to use half of a hot dog bun as the base, but it does work.

Harold’s Slice o’ Bread

PAUL: It’s a bit simple.

PRUE: I have to agree. I would have liked to see something on the bread.

HAROLD: Me too.


VOICEOVER: For the technical, all the bakers were asked to provide a package of prepared chocolate chip cookie dough with a spoon. As you will see, results varied widely.

PAUL (looking at Harold’s cookie): Seems the baker actually tried to bake these. (Flips cookie over.) But then they went and burnt them.

PRUE: Perhaps their goals were a bit too lofty.

HAROLD (talking head): I really wanted to impress the judges this time. But after I got them into the oven, I thought about a conversation I had with my university roommate seven years ago and spent the rest of the challenge thinking about whether or not he hates me.

PRUE (looking at Shanti’s ): The package is still unopened.

PAUL: No spoon either.

SHANTI (talking head, mascara smeared with tears): I kept thinking back to how well I did earlier and became paralyzed with fear I’d never top it. So I stayed at my table and stared at the tube of dough until time was up.

PAUL (looking at Val’s raw dough with no chocolate chips left): Now, this, I didn’t expect at all.

VAL (talking head): Not going to apologize for giving myself a little treat. My therapist says self-denial isn’t going to get me anywhere.


VOICEOVER: The bakers were asked to make a two-course show stopper: A bagged salad and a main course of microwavable dumplings. They were given six hours but could only watch one streaming series.

Val’s McSteam’d Dumplings

PAUL: This one doesn’t appear to have any croutons. The bag came with croutons, yes?

VAL: I ate the croutons during the bomb in the body cavity episode of Grey’s Anatomy, so there weren’t any left for the salad.

PAUL: That was the only baking-related aspect of the entire salad course.

PRUE (inspecting Val’s dumplings): Oh dear, these have come undone.

VAL: I got wrapped up in the Denny Duquette arc and forgot about the dumplings. I just couldn’t believe Izzy cut the LVAD wire.

Harold’s Meal of Ice and Fire

PAUL: Harold, you’ve somehow managed to burn the salad?

HAROLD: I accidentally confused the salad bag with the dumplings bag, and, well…

PRUE: Yet the dumplings are still a bit frozen.

HAROLD: I ran out of time.

PAUL: Ran out of time? You had six hours.

HAROLD: There was just a lot going on. Someone murdered Joffrey. Littlefinger spirited Sansa away. And don’t even get me started on the Red Wedding.

Shanti’s Endive in Paris

PAUL (eating Shanti’s dumplings): Now, these aren’t half bad

SHANTI: It helps to turn on a show you don’t care about missing. I’d like to thank the cast and writers of Emily in Paris for making a show so boring that I remembered to check the dumplings AND enhance the dipping sauce with fresh ginger and garlic.

PRUE: Oh my! You cut ginger?

PAUL: It should be noted you’re not allowed to bring any SSRIs into the tent.

SHANTI: No, I made this entire meal with fully imbalanced brain chemistry.

Paul pauses, eyes twinkling. Sticks out his hand. Shanti beams and shakes Paul’s hand. The tent erupts with clapping.