“The White House on Monday released the report of the presidential 1776 Commission, a sweeping attack on liberal thought and activism that calls for a ‘patriotic education,’ defends America’s founding against charges that it was tainted by slavery and likens progressivism to fascism.” — New York Times, 1/18/21
We at the Immortan Joe Administration are pleased to release our new project, a response to the propaganda peddled by people like Mad Max and Furiosa. Our commission is a celebratory look into the rich history of the Citadel, called the 2776 Report. This report is meant to condemn those who try and tear apart our great nation with things like “free will,” “individual choice,” and “access to food and water.”
The separatist politics that certain citizens encourage, including the idea that people should not be branded with hot irons or be perpetually malnourished, divides our people by placing them in conflict with each other. This kind of thinking undermines our ideology about the value of human life.
We have seen the rise of dangerous identity politics, like the idea that people want to be “individual,” that they “don’t want to be strapped to the front of a vehicle while blood rushes out of their body,” or that they “don’t believe in sacrificing themselves for the cause of keeping Immortan Joe in power indefinitely.” We find these politics inflammatory, and frankly, against the very founding principles of the Citadel.
Our nation’s schools have been infiltrated with anti-Citadel thought, so we have crafted specific lesson plans and discussion questions to help our kids unlearn these radical progressive values. Some topics for these include:
- Why Mad Max’s Left-Wing, Distribute-Water-to-Everyone Plan Makes Him a Whiny Socialist Snowflake
- Why Overthrowing a Dictator Will Actually Make Society Worse and Not Better and Also You Definitely Shouldn’t Test It Out
- Immortan Joe Is the Greatest Ruler the Citadel Has Ever Had and Will Ever Have
- A Lot of Nations Have a History Of Imprisoning Women and Forcing Them to Carry Children Against Their Will So Really It’s More of a Rule Than an Exception
The fact that certain groups, lead by Mad Max and Furiosa, are actively trying to harm the foundation of the Citadel just proves that they are against the equality and fairness that they’re trying to achieve. They want to escape to better lives in the “Green Place,” but that place is entirely ruled by women! They argue that when Immortan Joe and the War Boys rule a nation it’s “uninhabitable” and “incredibly violent,” but when the Vuvalini rule a whole nation it’s “safe” and “has shared resources”? That’s not very equal and fair towards men, and, honestly, it sounds pretty hypocritical.
We have a diverse array of voices who support this campaign, including young War Boys, slightly older War Boys (we don’t have that many old War Boys because they keep dying in battle or due to preventable diseases), War Boys who we threatened at knifepoint, War Boys who we threatened at gunpoint, and The Bullet Farmer. We did not reach out to anyone old enough to know the Citadel’s history to contribute to this reporting.
The divisions and conflict in our nation’s history are not due to a tyrannical government, unequal distributions of resources, or flagrant disregard for human life. They are due to the fact that certain people want all these rights and freedoms. They argue that certain groups (wives) should get certain privileges (not being raped), and that kind of identity politics is detrimental to the structure of our society.
We are proud to release this report so that the citizens of the Citadel can better understand its guiding principles and ideals. Education is a pillar of our society, we just hope that our citizens survive our post-apocalyptic wasteland long enough to read this.