1. Gather your guns and place them in the government-approved rainbow trash bag. The bag should have arrived in your mailbox attached to your mail-in ballot. Don’t worry about unloading or setting the safety on the guns. Just toss ‘em in there. Gun pickups will occur on the third Tuesday of every month now that a Democrat is in office. It might feel like you only just got them back from Obama, but you’ve had a good four years to carry them around like a sheriff in the wild west.
2. Remove all non-government-approved foods from your refrigerator and place them in the bag with the guns. Don’t worry if food gets on the guns. We’re throwing them all in one big dumpster we’ve established at the foot of Mount Rushmore. A list of government-approved foods can be found on the new White House website, bidenisyourdadnow.us.gov.
3. Put on your official nanny state seatbelt and bicycle helmet. Seat belts will remain attached at all times, with seats worn like a turtle shell even while you are standing erect. During actual bike riding, you will be required to wear two helmets.
4. Start smoking weed immediately. If you’ve been smoking weed this whole time, start brewing ayahuasca. Applications for government-trained spirit guides can be found online. Mandatory drug tests will be performed to ensure you’re doing enough drugs every day. Drugs will be given away free at every local Democratic Party office.
5. Register with Planned Parenthood. Every citizen will be required to obtain at least one abortion each year that Joe Biden is in office. If you are not already pregnant, Joe Biden will correct that some time in the coming months. Be patient. Transfer of power is complicated, and these things take time.
6. You should have received a government-issued Starbucks reusable travel mug. This is what you’ll drink your coffee out of from now on. All coffee will be from Starbucks, and every drink will be half caff with soy milk and whipped cream.
7. Whatever your job is, quit immediately and accept the government-issued salary. We had a meeting and this is what we want. Unless you work at a taco truck. Taco truck workers and birthing doulas are exempt.
8. Join your local coven. America is a Wiccan nation now. Our true leader is The Goddess, and our Constitution, the Wind.
9. All men are now required to wear jewelry. Men, please wear at least two rings and one turquoise power brooch at all times. You may alternate one ring with a leather bracelet of your choosing.
10. If you are married, your marital status has been converted to a Civil Union. All marriage is gay marriage now. There is no need to file new paperwork. The conversion will automatically take place in the national database. You are now part of the Gay Agenda.
11. Unmarried couples will be upgraded to throuples. A third member of your relationship will be supplemented by the Biden team, and you will be required to house and pleasure them.
12. Whatever car you drive, you will be provided with a smaller, more economic model. People who drive SUVs will be provided with sedans. People who already drive sedans will be provided with Smartcars. People who already drive Smartcars will be provided with recumbent bicycles. The recumbent bicycles will be hooked up to generators that will power your home.
13. From now on, the adage, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down,” will be federally enforced. A waste sensor will be attached to all household toilets to record and report your eliminations.
14. Get vaccinated. The new COVID-19 vaccine will be available everywhere soon, and Bill Gates is going to come to your residence to administer it personally. Please be sure to offer him some vegan meat.