Congratulations on your purchase of the 8-gigabyte iPhone from Apple Inc.! For the first time, you will be able to engage in all the varieties of human interaction through a single device. Please consult the table of contents below for an in-depth look at your iPhone experience.

I. Introduction

II. Turning on the iPhone

III. Making a call using the iPhone

IV. Using the iPhone to listen to music

V. Using the iPhone to watch video content

VI. Using the iPhone camera

VII. Using the iPhone to catalog your contacts

VIII. Using the iPhone to manage your calendar

IX. Using the iPhone to solve disputes between Moqtada al-Sadr and certain Sunni elements within Iraq without causing an escalation of hostilities, or the development of closer ties between Iran and Shiite militias

X. Using the iPhone to assist European antitrust authorities in understanding the difference between “tying arrangements” and “legitimate competition” in online music sales

XI. Using the iPhone to explain how the internal board committee of Apple Computer Inc. (before the name change) headed by Al Gore could exonerate Steve Jobs of any wrongdoing in the options-backdating scandal

XII. Using the iPhone to explain why Microsoft believed that introducing the Zune was either wise or appropriate, given the market for MP3 players in late 2006

XIII. Using the iPhone to take pictures of celebrities without underpants

XIV. Using the iPhone to become governor of an oil-rich former Soviet republic where the temperature often drops to 76 degrees below zero (Fahrenheit), and then buy an English Premier League soccer team

XV. Using the iPhone to better understand the coming synergies between Disney and Apple, and the fact that no conflicts involving the Sarbanes-Oxley Act will ensue

XVI. Using the iPhone to develop the new, John Lasseter-inspired design of a theme-park ride called “the iPhone Flume!”

XVII. Using the iPhone to assist Nicole Kidman in playing a frankly commercial Mrs. Coulter in the new adaptation of The Golden Compass without losing the anti-Miltonian vibe or the stuff about the Magisterium

XVIII. Using the iPhone to learn whether superstring theory’s positing of 10 dimensions (or 11 in M-theory) is viable in light of recent discoveries relating to dark matter

XIX. Using the iPhone to learn whether Ehud Barak ever considered adopting Barack Obama and changing the Illinois junior senator’s name to Barack Barak

XX. Using the iPhone to find love, true love, love like you’ve never dreamed of

XXI. Using the iPhone to write poetry like Paul Muldoon, except without the rock-and-roll aspect

XXII. Using the iPhone to create multilevel marketing opportunities

XXIII. Using the iPhone to attain inner peace

XXIV. How to change the iPhone’s battery