Welcome to our Passover Seder! The history of the Jewish people reaches back nearly 4,000 years. We began as slaves in the land of Egypt but today we are free. As we recline in the luxury of freedom in our Kalorama mansion, let us not forget our Christian brothers and sisters still yearning for release from bondage. We remember the creationists oppressed by science, the campaign officials bound by subpoena to the grand jury, and those held captive by electronic home confinement. May this Seder inspire us to light the torch of liberty and burn anyone who stands in our way. Thus we begin with the lighting of the candles.
KIDDUSH BLESSING OVER THE WINE
Next, we recite the blessing over the wine, given to us from Eric Trump Winery, the largest winery on the East Coast. This wine symbolizes the sweetness of a wealthy father and the joy we feel when we are all together, with the exception of Melania who never wanted this. Amen.
The parsley on our Seder plate reminds us of spring and the earth’s natural bounty, which does not need restrictive anti-chemical dumping regulations or our participation in the Paris climate accord. We dip the parsley into salt water representing the bitterness of liberal tears. Then eat.
This is the bread of affliction. It is the simple bread our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt, Queens, and New Jersey before reaching the Promised Land of Washington, D.C. Our ancestors overcame great suffering in their journey to freedom without any government assistance. To those who are hungry and in need, we offer our thoughts and prayers, which is enough — Dayenu!
THE FOUR QUESTIONS
We’ve already addressed these questions pretty extensively and are not going to comment any further than we already have.
THE FOUR CHILDREN
The Torah instructs us to teach our children the story of Passover. The sages tell us there are four types of children:
- The Wise Child — He understands what’s going on but could be a teenage crisis actor.
- The Wicked Child — He scams Facebook users for their personal data, then targets them with propaganda.
- The Simple Child — He hasn’t a clue what’s going on until Fox & Friends tells him what he thinks.
- The Child Unable to Ask — This kid is so shell-shocked by what’s happening that he turns mute like in the movie Tommy.
A cup of water is placed on the table to honor the prophet Miriam. Legend says God sustained the Jews as they wandered the desert with a steady stream of water coming out of Miriam’s wherever. We embrace this modern Passover tradition as passionate supporters of the #MeToo movement with the launch of our elegant “Miriam Cocktail Bag,” part of the new Hypocrisy collection at ivankatrump.com.
Note: While we support all women who have suffered from sexual assault, certain exclusions may apply.
THE PASSOVER STORY
Now we retell the story of Passover: A Pharaoh came to power in Egypt who feared the Jews and everyone else wearing strange head coverings. He didn’t believe the Jews were loyal to Egypt and loyalty was extremely important to Pharaoh, more than spelling, honesty, or the Constitution.
Pharaoh enslaved the Jews and forced them to make bricks for his tacky buildings with his name written on them in giant hieroglyphs. Then he issued a “Pharaoh-Order” mandating every Jewish male newborn be drowned in a concrete mixture that would be used to build a giant wall — Pharaoh’s way of keeping “bad dudes” out of Egypt.
One Jewish mother resisted. She placed her baby in a tiny boat made of ancient Planned Parenthood signs, remnants of a bygone era, and set him afloat in the Nile, hoping he’d be saved. An undercover CIA operative posing as Pharaoh’s daughter found the baby, named him Moses, and raised him as her own.
Eventually, Moses learned of his true family’s identity and tried to help the Jews. He created a secret back-channel communications line to spread hope, but failed to get Pharaoh to pivot on the Jewish labor issue. That’s when God had to step in and visited ten terrible plagues upon Egypt. The first nine were:
- Green Cards for Dreamers
- Interim Security Clearances Revoked
- A Fair and Accurate Census
- Common Sense Gun Control
- White House Anti-Nepotism Laws
- Net Neutrality
- Transgender Troops
Egyptians suffered greatly during these plagues. Everyone was getting the same opportunities. Pharaoh couldn’t handle it — he blamed Obama. After each plague, Pharaoh agreed to let the Jews go. But once the plague disappeared, he’d tweet:
“FAKE NEWS got it wrong again — Jews know they r better off w/me than Moses. LOSER!!”
Pharaoh talked tough but inside he was a scared and lonely King. His most trusted advisors resigned due to the chaos. Desperate to deflect, Pharaoh insisted the F.B.I. framed him for the plague scandals and started a trade war with Babylonia. Then he flew to his winter palace with a well-known belly dancer — she spanked him with a stone tablet carved in his likeness in a kinky ritual of self-flagellation.
However, even the belly dancer wasn’t hot enough to soothe Pharaoh’s great sorrow over the final and most devastating plague of Universal Health Care, where every first-born child received excellent postnatal care.
Pharaoh ultimately relented and the Jews fled quickly into the desert without allowing their dough to rise. They were stuck with a dry, tasteless, constipation-invoking bread substitute instead — the first matzah.
EXPLANATION OF PASSOVER SYMBOLS
The shank bone represents the sacrificial lamb Jews slaughtered the night they left Egypt. This Passover we engrave the shank bone with OPRAH 2020.
These herbs symbolize the unfathomable bitterness of white working-class America when they discover, instead of reopened coal mines, they’re getting cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security.
It’s a pretty inappropriate question to ask Ivanka about charoset. Her charoset is a daughter’s charoset and has nothing to do with how the President treats Apples, Cinnamon, and Honey. Ivanka’s record as a champion of charoset speaks for itself.
Note: POTUS retains his right to sue Apples, Cinnamon, and Honey for any violation of their nondisclosure agreements, which he did not sign, pertaining to affairs that definitely did not happen.
This egg is a symbol of rebirth and new opportunities for revenge on those who have turned state’s evidence.
We set aside a special cup of wine for the prophet Elijah. Legend says Elijah will return to Earth to lead the way for peace. Unfortunately, we are unable to open our door to welcome Elijah as tradition dictates due to the teenagers protesting outside. #NRAforever
As we conclude our Seder, we give thanks to the Lord our God, and ask for his greatest blessing of peace, but take nothing off the table.
This year we are here; next year in Moscow!1
1 Or any place without U.S. extradition.