Welcome to our Passover Seder! The history of the Jewish people reaches back nearly 4,000 years. We began as slaves in the land of Egypt but today we are free. As we recline in the luxury of freedom in our new Kalorama mansion, let us not forget our white Christian brothers and sisters yearning for release from bondage. We remember the baker forced to bake for every wedding and the ovum oppressed by its mother’s womb. May this Seder inspire us to light the torch of liberty and burn anyone who stands in our way. Thus we begin with the lighting of the candles.
KIDDUSH BLESSING OVER THE WINE
Next, we recite the blessing over the wine, given to us from Eric Trump Winery, the largest winery on the East Coast. This wine symbolizes the sweetness of a wealthy father and the joy we feel when we are all together, with the exception of Melania who prefers to stay in New York. Amen.
The parsley on our Seder plate reminds us of spring and the earth’s natural bounty, which does not need cumbersome government regulations. We dip the parsley into salt water representing the bitterness of liberal tears. Then eat.
This is the bread of affliction. It is the simple bread our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt, Brooklyn, and New Jersey before reaching the Promised Land of Washington D.C. Our ancestors overcame great suffering in their journey to freedom without any government assistance. To those who are hungry and in need, we offer our prayers and hope, which is enough — Dayenu!
THE FOUR QUESTIONS
We’re not answering any questions today. No questions.
THE FOUR CHILDREN
The Torah instructs us to teach our children the story of Passover. The sages tell us there are four types of children:
- The Wise Child — He understands what’s going on but is unable to convince others.
- The Wicked Child — He understands what’s going on but goes along with it because it enriches him.
- The Simple Child — He hasn’t a clue what’s going on but stupidly trusts Steve Bannon will figure it out.
- The Child Unable to Ask — This kid is so shell-shocked by what’s happening that he turns mute like in the movie Tommy.
A cup of water is placed on the table to honor the prophet Miriam. Legend says God sustained the Jews as they wandered the desert with a steady stream of water coming out of Miriam’s wherever. We embrace this new Passover tradition as passionate advocates for the empowerment of women as symbolized by our “Make Women Great Again” luxury candle, available for sale at ivankatrump.com. This candle combines notes of peony, sandalwood, and conflicts of interest.
THE PASSOVER STORY
Now it is time to retell the story of Passover: A Pharaoh came to power in Egypt who feared the Jews because they wore strange head coverings. He didn’t believe the Jews were loyal to Egypt and loyalty was extremely important to Pharaoh, more than spelling, honesty, or the Constitution.
Pharaoh enslaved the Jews and forced them to make bricks for his tacky buildings with his name written on them in giant hieroglyphs. Then he issued a “Pharaoh-Order” mandating every Jewish male newborn was a security risk and must be drowned in the Nile, Pharaoh’s way of keeping “bad dudes” out of Egypt.
One Jewish mother resisted. She placed her baby in a tiny boat made of ancient Planned Parenthood signs, remnants of a bygone era, and set him afloat in the Nile, hoping he’d be saved. An undercover CIA operative posing as Pharaoh’s daughter found the baby, named him Moses, and raised him as her own.
Eventually, Moses learned of his true family’s identity and tried to help the Jews. (Family must always remain loyal—through felony convictions, product boycotts or impeachment.) Moses started @RoguePALACEfamily to spread hope, but failed to get Pharaoh to pivot on the Jewish labor issue. That’s when God had to step in and visited ten terrible plagues upon Egypt. They were:
- Gender Neutral Bathrooms
- Tuition-Free Public College
- Paid Family Leave
- Sensible Gun Control
- $15.00 Federal Minimum Wage
- Internet Privacy
- Carbon Tax
- Campaign Finance Reform
- Universal Health Care
Egyptians suffered greatly during these plagues. Everyone was getting the same opportunities. Pharaoh couldn’t handle it. After each plague, Pharaoh agreed to let the Jews go. But once the plague disappeared he’d tweet:
“FAKE NEWS got it wrong again — Jews know they r better off w/me than Moses. LOSER!!”
Curiously the tweets always happened on Shabbat. But amid great sorrow over the final plague of universal health care, Pharaoh relented. The Jews fled quickly into the desert without allowing their dough to rise and were stuck with a dry, tasteless, constipation-invoking bread substitute instead — the first matzah.
EXPLANATION OF PASSOVER SYMBOLS
The shank bone represents the sacrificial lamb Jews slaughtered the night they left Egypt. This Passover we engrave the shank bone with “Elizabeth Warren 2020.”
These herbs remind us of the unfathomable bitterness of white working class America who threw a Hail Mary into our system of government in a last-ditch effort to bring back jobs in coal, steel, and VCR repair.
A yummy salad of apple, nuts and cinnamon which shows off Ivanka’s cooking skills and her relatable desire to be a sweet and caring mother to her children. #familytime
This egg is a symbol of rebirth and new opportunities for revenge on those who have betrayed us.
We set aside a special cup of wine for the prophet Elijah. Legend says Elijah will return to earth to lead the way for peace. Unfortunately, we are unable to open our door to welcome Elijah as tradition dictates due to the protesting crowds outside.
As we conclude our Seder we give thanks to the Lord, our God, and ask for his greatest blessing of peace but take nothing off the table.
This year we are here; next year in Moscow!
Read an interview with Terry Heyman about the creation of this piece over on our patreon page.