The Senate has long been the lifeblood of American democracy, and disbanding it is phenomenally un-American and shortsighted. Any person who thinks this is a good idea is an idiot of the highest caliber, and should be immediately removed from office. That being said, I will vote with the honorable Senator Mitch McConnell to eliminate the Senate, because I am a small man with a backbone that’s the consistency of warm paste.

You might be wondering, “John, how can you say one thing and do the complete opposite?” And to that I say, “my answer to that question is whatever Mitch McConnell’s answer is, for I am his obedient submissive.” Off the record, I can tell you that it’s like rubbing your tummy and patting your head — it’s tricky at first, but with a little practice, truly anybody can do it. Rubbing my tummy and patting my head is also a trick I do for Mitch McConnell and his grown-up friends at Mitch’s fancy parties. Mitch loves to laugh at how silly I look, and in return, he gives me a single, shiny dime, which he graciously allows me to spend on candy. I’m saving up for a Snickers!

That’s not to say that I always fall rank and file with Republicans. When Mitch McConnell declared my birthday to be “National John McCain Sucks Eggs Day,” I just about lost my cool. Yes, I voted to make it a federal holiday, but I was very unhappy about it, and I made sure to register my complaint with Senator McConnell. When he told me, “John, your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are utterly worthless,” I left his office quickly and quietly, fearing his wrath. I got him back for that one, though, when I refused to make eye contact with Mitch for several days. That little passive-aggressive move earned me quite a spanking. My bottom was beet red and sore for days, but as always, I am subservient to the whims of Mitch McConnell’s firm hand.

But you’ll see this ol’ Maverick fight back on Senator McConnell’s latest plan to preemptively nominate Steve Bannon to the Supreme Court. The fact that the Senator McConnell has gone on record saying that Bannon will replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg after she is, “wink wink, taken care of, wink wink” is appalling, and if anything’s worth breaking from the GOP, it’s this egregious, repulsive action. What’s that? I think I hear Mitch McConnell’s footsteps. He’s probably just on his way to the bathroom, but nevertheless, I will reluctantly support Justice Bannon, for I am a good little dog who listens to his master. Speaking of dogs, did you know Mitch McConnell likes to put me on a leash and parade me around the Senate floor like I’m one of his purebreds? Tune into C-SPAN sometime — it’s a real hoot.

So am I, as my critics call me, a two-faced, hypocritical, cowardly, pathetic, spineless, weak-willed, quivering, hapless garden slug, content to put my party’s insane and destructive whims above my own moral convictions? No! I am, as Mitch McConnell likes to call me, a little bitch boy, and I’m proud to be his little bitch boy. Now if you’ll excuse me, the Senate Republicans are all ordering pizza, and I have to make sure they don’t get pineapple on it, because of my allergies. I can not, in good health or conscious, eat another slice of pineapple pizza. Unless Mitch McConnell asks me to — in that case, my mouth is open and I’m ready to swallow.