The Lie: Everyone may take one toy from the toy box.

The Truth: Larger children may take your toy as well.

- - -

First Grade

The Lie: If you make that face, and someone hits you on the back, your face will stick like that.

The Truth: If you make that face, and someone hits you on the back, your back will hurt.

- - -

Second Grade

The Lie: You are dumb and weird.

The Truth: You are weird and dyslexic.

- - -

Second Grade, the Special Ed. re-mix

The Lie: That Dick, Jane, and Spot do all kinds of interesting things, things that are worth reading about.

The Truth: Dick runs pointlessly, Spot is a dumb dog, and Jane always seems to be chasing Dick.

- - -

Third Grade

The Lie: No one will care that you spent last year in Special Ed. and are now a year older than your classmates.

The Truth: The word ’tard can be used as nearly any part of speech. For example, “Go eat your ’tard lunch by your ’tard self, ’tard.”

- - -

Fourth Grade

The Lie: Recess is a nice break from the school day.

The Truth: Recess is an anarchic bruisefest in which social hierarchy is established based on Nerf football skills. You are known as “Nerf ’tard.”

- - -

Fifth Grade

The Lie: Tall children should stand in the back row on picture day.

The Truth: Tall children are more likely to fall off the back of the bleachers, as you do after growing six inches in a year and losing all semblance of coordination.

- - -

Sixth Grade

The Lie: You may begin to undergo some changes. It’s nothing to be alarmed about.

The Truth: Becky has her period during math class. She runs crying from the room. Weeks later, your voice begins to crack, forever ruining your pitch-perfect Yoda imitation.

- - -

Seventh Grade

The Lie: You are in junior high now. Everything will be better.

The Truth: “Everything” does not include social acceptance, not getting punched in the arm, or girls saying hi to you.

- - -

Eighth Grade

The Lie: You are now ready for high school.

The Truth: You are now ready for therapy.