Q: So, why the two heads?

Man with Two Heads: I dunno. In a way, it’s almost like, everything else has been done before.

Q: So, a kind of “look what I can do”?

Two Heads: Not so much look at what I can do as look at what you could be. I’m thinking about a two-headed men renaissance.

Q: So there was a time before, when all men had two heads?

Two Heads: There was a time when it had been an accepted way of existing, yes, and we do have actual film and photographs and folk songs of these two-headed persons which attest to their existence, though these things kind of support the idea that the existence of two-headed persons is somewhat cardboard, as if the two-headed men had only been born to be some kind of warped carnie.

Q: So you’re saying, “Look at me. I have two heads. Take me seriously.”

Two Heads: In a way. But while I’m saying take me seriously, I’m also saying, go ahead, poke fun at me.

Q: Is it also a kind of style thing?

Two Heads: Yes and no. I’m not about style. Because when you think about it, the body really isn’t outfitted for two heads. In fact, the second head can be somewhat cumbersome.

Q: Were you born with two heads?

Two Heads: I’m going to interpret that comment as “Were you born with two physical heads?” No, I wasn’t. I was however born with many possible heads. Through conditioning and environment and athletics and reading and car accidents, I now have the head with which I’m speaking, which most people would interpret as one head. I see it as an infinite number of heads.

Q: Let’s talk about the second head. Who is it and where did it come from?

Two Heads: The head originated from Tobias Wetherhill, a Seventh-day Adventist minister from Silver Springs, Maryland.

Q: Did you wake up with the head? Or did you seek it out?

Two Heads: The head pretty much sought me ought. I’d been thinking about getting another head for a while, and one of my friends said he knew somebody who knew somebody. That somebody was trying to get rid of a head. The rest is history. It’s not exactly legal, what happened, so I can’t exactly go into it without incriminating ourselves.

Q: Does it always sleep?

Two Heads: For now, yes. It will take some time for the head to adjust to its new body, and likewise. There’s been a lot of sleep-talking, which is good because it allows me to get to know my new head in a totally risk-free environment.

Q: What do you call the second head?

Two Heads: We refer to ourselves as “us” or “I,” depending on how we feel. Mostly we speak at the same time, but we rarely say the same things, partly because when the second head is speaking it’s also unconscious. At first you’ll realize it’s kind of hard to understand us, but then you realize, these heads are coming from the same place. They’re saying the same things, but differently. All in all, it’s a testament to the multiplicity of human existence. In fact, I’m working on a theory that attempts to argue that a two-headed person is actually more “authentic” than a one headed person.

Q: Do people with split personalities count?

Two Heads: In a way. They count more because they usually have to deal with more than one person, which is true of us all, we just repress the urges to be twelve different people. There are anywhere from between sixteen hundred and twelve thousand different competing and potential personalities within a human being. That’s a headful of voices! However, the one-headed split personality person really can’t make the grade when it comes to having two heads.

Q: And why is that something you see as important?

Two Heads: Having two heads makes one ultimately conscious of the other. We are so used to the one-headed system that it’s possible to forget that anything else exists. With a two-headed system, we can experience the true burdens of being human, and we’ll start learning how to share and live outside ourselves more.

Q: Your second head appears to be leaking.

Two Heads: He drools, yes.

Q: Is the drool usually that color?

Two Heads: Um, yes. One can expect a certain amount of discharge. We should probably be going now.