This agreement is made between General Zaroff (hereinafter referred to as “the Hunter”) and __________________ (hereinafter referred to as “the Hunted”).
This agreement shall supersede all prior oral agreements between the parties, particularly those made in the Hunter’s extravagant dining room, where the combination of mounted animal heads and fine brandy tends to make the Hunter nostalgic for the days when stalking and killing a fellow human being was the “in” thing to do among the wealthy and murderous.
The Hunted can be assured that no actual killing shall occur. The advent of the paintball gun has made it possible to experience the thrill of the hunt without having to murder a man in cold blood, even if that man’s head would look splendid on the wall of the aforementioned dining room.
As the Hunter shall be employing nonlethal means to defeat his opponent, the Hunted shall therefore refrain from utilizing counterattacks, booby traps, or anything likely to get the Hunter injured, dirty, or vaguely irritated. These shall include but shall not be limited to:
1. The Burmese tiger pit. (In the past, the Hunter lost several champion bloodhounds this way, and they don’t come cheap, even for someone who lives on a lush, privately owned island that fills passing sailors with inexplicable dread.)
2. The Malay man-catcher. (This has been responsible for the demise of two of the Hunter’s mute, menacing henchmen, one of whom doubled as an excellent cook.)
3. Noose traps that result in the victim getting shot up into the air upside down, hanging from his ankle. (This has never actually been attempted, but the Hunter has recurring nightmares about it all the same.)
4. Any ploy wherein the Hunted makes it appear that he fell off a cliff into the sea but in reality circles back to the estate, waits until the Hunter retires to his bedroom, and jumps out at him from behind the drapes. (Kind of childish, don’t you think?)
In summary, nothing shall occur that could conceivably lead to someone remarking, ironically or otherwise, that “the hunter has become the hunted.” The Hunter is no longer a young man and does not have the desire (or the proper shoes) to be anything other than the Hunter. Any reversal of roles shall invalidate the terms of this agreement and result in direct action being taken by the Hunter’s elite team of legal representatives and/or his elite team of mute, menacing henchmen.
In witness whereof, the parties have signed this document and agreed to all of its terms, provisions, and clauses.
General Zaroff, “the Hunter”
Signature, “the Hunted”
(Note: If the Hunted wanders into Death Swamp and finds himself immersed in one of that area’s ubiquitous deposits of quicksand, the Hunter is under no legal obligation to lend assistance. He might help. He might not. The point is, it’s not the Hunter’s fault you’re in there, and he is perfectly within his rights to simply light his pipe and chuckle in that sinister fashion still popular among the wealthy and murderous.)
(In addition: The Hunter, as mentioned, is getting on in years. Please make allowances if he confuses his paintball gun with his elephant gun.)