While Riding Your Bike Through Town

First and foremost, cars are your enemy. Watch out for drivers not watching you—especially the ones texting. Always wear a helmet. Claim your share of the road. Use your signals. Be aware of traffic behind you. And when you’re texting with your friends while riding your bike through town, only do so when you are coasting downhill at high speed and you can text with both hands free from the handlebars. It looks good to text on a bike with both hands, true; but when compared to texting with one hand, you text faster this way and therefore decrease your odds of an accident. Further, if you do crash into something, like a car with a texting driver that doesn’t see you, your downhill speed and the fact that you are not holding the handlebars will create a catapult effect that will hurl you far enough into the air—perhaps into oncoming traffic—that your odds of dying will increase exponentially. It’s better to die in an accident like this. Have you ever been in a bike wreck? Man, you don’t want to deal with the broken bones and road rash.

While High-Diving Into the Pool

You’re probably thinking, Why in the world would I text someone while jumping off a high dive? Here’s the deal: What if someone texts you first, right when you’re springing from the end of the board? What are you supposed to do, wait to text them until after you dive in, climb out, and dry off? Well, yes. But man, if it’s your lover and they get mad when you don’t text back right away, there you are, texting them in mid-air off the dive, saying, “Hey, baby, I luv you, lemme call u inna bit, OK?” and then they’re texting back, “OK, but what r u doin?” and you’re like, “Im divin off da hi dive rite now!” and they’re like, “Nobody txts wile hi-divin! Are you with sum1 else???” and you’re like, “No! Stop! Will call inna bit! I LUV U!!!” and they’re like, no response, and right about that time you smack the water. When you come up for air, everybody that was watching is like, “That was one awkward and painful-looking dive.” And now your phone is waterlogged and your lover thinks you’re with someone else. Don’t text and dive!

While Fighting 99 Ninjas

Sure, your phone is a great weapon in fights like this. And texting your friends while killing 99 ninjas, one by one, is a great way to show off for the camera. But what about all the blood you’ll get on the phone? And what if the ninjas start texting you just to mess with your concentration? And ultimately, what happens when Ninja 99, the leader, spins a Chinese star into your keypad? Well, now you’ve got to go back to the cell phone dealer, and you know from previous experience they don’t honor warranties just because your phone has a Chinese star in it. This is going to cost you. Keep your phone in your pocket while fighting 99 ninjas!

While Stealing Flat Screen Televisions

You know the moment: You’re bumpin’ through the late night with JoJo when you pass a low-lit restaurant. The place is closed and empty, and it has lots of windows, affording a view of a half-dozen flat screens hanging from the walls. JoJo says, “That’s what I call a profit margin.” The car stops, you hop out, and the restaurant windows shatter with JoJo’s gunfire. You discuss how to get the flat screens down from the walls in good time (about three minutes ‘til the pigs arrive). That’s when Sugar texts you to see what you’re doing. You text her the job details. “Ur so kray-c,” she texts back, “I want 2 c u wen ur dun.” You take some time texting her and figuring out when you might be able to come over, after unloading the flats. But time passes quicker than you realize when you’re texting, and when you look up, JoJo’s gone and the pigs are there. They shout at you to drop your heater. But you don’t have a heater—you try to show them your iPhone, that you’re just texting with Sugar. It’s the wrong move: You’re popped full of caps. Sure, there will be an internal investigation and the officers will be reprimanded for killing an unarmed thief. Your momma might win a small judgment. But you are dead, my friend. D-E-D!

While Attending a Children’s Soccer Game

This almost goes without saying, like texting and driving. But for the record: Children and technology do not mix! Because there you are, sitting in the bleachers at a soccer game, pretending to cheer on the blue team while texting friends, and all of a sudden here come a bunch of zombified soccer kids, limping toward you with black eyes and drooling mouths and sharp little teeth, moaning, “We are zombie-kids! Man has cell phone! Eat man! Play with his phone! Must play with man’s phone! We cannot help ourselves! Aaaagh.” Don’t text at a children’s soccer game!