“It has been suggested that we should rename as many as 10 of our Legendary Military Bases… These Monumental and very Powerful Bases have become part of a Great American Heritage, and a history of Winning, Victory, and Freedom… Therefore, my Administration will not even consider the renaming of these Magnificent and Fabled Military Installations.” — @realDonaldTrump, 6/10/20

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PRINCESS LEIA: Colonel Panteen, let me just say that you’ve done an excellent job coming up with names for our fledgling government’s bases and outposts that really celebrate the heroes of the rebellion and that will, for the most part, fill the galaxy’s citizens with a new hope…


PRINCESS LEIA: Well, I have some concerns near the end of the list.

PANTEEN: There are a lot of systems and facilities to name. You know, the galaxy is vast.

PRINCESS LEIA: Understood.

PANTEEN: Really, really vast. Also, very diverse. We have to integrate a society full of many points of view.

PRINCESS LEIA: That’s true.

PANTEEN: Including people who might have sympathized with or even fought for the Empire.

PRINCESS LEIA: But Vaderbase? Only you would be so bold…

PANTEEN: Darth Vaderbase. We want to consciously try to celebrate the man and his military accomplishments without getting too far into the events of the rebellion. Think of his glowing red lightsaber as a sort of galactic offering of peace and reconciliation.

PRINCESS LEIA: You are such a nerfherder.

PANTEEN: I chose this for you, Princess. He is your father, after all.

PRINCESS LEIA: Some father. I met him once. He ruined dinner and froze my boyfriend in carbonite.

PANTEEN: Vader was a highly accomplished military visionary. Not just anyone can be a Dark Lord of the Sith. Visitors to Darth Vaderbase will see a statue of the man at his very best, outfitted in obsidian armor, a faint red glow behind his eyes, but a hand outstretched as if to say, “I’m more man than machine.”

PRINCESS LEIA: That’s how he used to choke people to death, you know, with his brain.

PANTEEN: I feel like you’re being deliberately negative.

PRINCESS LEIA: He blew up my home planet!

PANTEEN: That was technically governor Tarkin who did that.

PRINCESS LEIA: Nobody wants to be stationed at a military base named after Darth Vader. He was a monster and a tyrant, and the galaxy is glad to be rid of him. This is who we were fighting, Panteen.

PANTEEN: He was the best pilot in the galaxy and one of the finest military minds of all time. Even his opponents feared, respected and awed him.

PRINCESS LEIA: Best pilot in the galaxy?

PANTEEN: Undoubtedly.

PRINCESS LEIA: Then why were Chewie and Han able to sneak up on him so that we could destroy the first Death Star?

PANTEEN: Everybody has an off day. Even you have to admit he was a brilliant general. He commanded the 501st division of stormtroopers.

PRINCESS LEIA: They were killed and eaten by Ewoks.

PANTEEN: Because Darth Vader was too busy being redeemed up on the Death Star to lead his troops down on Endor.


PANTEEN: He threw the Emperor down an exhaust shaft, enabling our final victory. In a way, he’s a hero of the rebellion.

PRINCESS LEIA: Oh, come on.

PANTEEN: You know, the Sith have voters too.

PRINCESS LEIA: They fundamentally don’t believe in democracy.

PANTEEN: Right, but they’re well-funded and organized. Besides, you’re going to have kids someday. Don’t you want them to know about their grandfather and their history?

PRINCESS LEIA: Fine, Panteen, I’ll allow it. Just to get you out of my hair.

PANTEEN: I’d also like to name a chain of casual dining restaurants after Jabba the Hutt.

PRINCESS LEIA: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.