9. Third month

This is an easy call, because the morning sickness is full steam ahead, all day, every day, with every breath you take. The kitchen’s whole vibe makes you puke, and your sense of smell is superhero-strong, so you live alone in the basement now. You’re more tired than you’ve ever been in your life, but since you haven’t told anyone you’re pregnant yet, you have to pull it together and gaslight everyone into thinking drinking cans of ginger ale at 8 a.m. has always been part of your morning routine.

9. Ninth month

You’re huge, your feet hurt, your back hurts, your vagina probably hurts, your butt might hurt, your feelings hurt, being alive hurts. Everyone keeps texting, “baby?” You want that thing OUT. But also, you’re terrified of being responsible for such a tiny, helpless creature, so maybe it would be better if it stayed in there forever? But also, you want that thing OUT.

9. Fourth month

Month four should be a relief. You’re in the second trimester, so the awful first-trimester sickness should be gone, right? Wrong. Many women report that the nausea and exhaustion keep up until around the twenty-week mark. At this point, you’re so used to dry heaving in the driver’s seat of your car that you don’t even bother pulling over anymore. But still, the betrayal hurts.

9. Second month

Did you know statistics show that one in every four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage? Did you know statistics show that one in every four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage? Did you know statistics show that one in every four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage? If you love anxiety, you’ll love month two—otherwise, zero stars.

9. Seventh month

Welcome to the third and final trimester! This month blows because “third trimester” sounds as though you’re almost at the end, but you still have an entire three months to go. Literally an entire quarter of the year. A whole season. You’ll spend a lot of time crying about this, and about the hot flashes, dizziness, restless legs, and the two extra liters of blood rushing through your body that you’re pretty sure you can hear?

9. Sixth month

Remember that food you love? It gives you scorching heartburn now. Remember those cylindrical slabs of cranberry sauce that you cut into slices at Thanksgiving? That’s the only food you want to eat, and if your spouse doesn’t find a store that sells cans of congealed cranberry sauce at 10:30 p.m. on a Sunday, you have sworn, hand to God, that you will leave him.

9. Eighth month

The biggest risk in month eight is that you’ll pull a switchblade on the next person who says, “Get your sleep now because you won’t be sleeping once the baby’s here!” As if you can sleep now. As if you don’t flop around on your bed like a giant walrus all night trying to get comfortable. As if you don’t wake up every fifty minutes to pee only to find that there is no pee left, it’s just the baby squeezing your bladder with its tiny cartilaginous fist. Ssshh. Put the weapon down. If you can’t sleep in the comfort of your own bed, you’ll never be able to sleep on one of those tiny prison cots.

9. Tenth month

Month WHAT now? Yeah, you were promised nine months, but the whole thing really lasts closer to ten, especially once you start creeping past your due date, which many first-time mothers do. Awful. Awful. Just… awful.

9. First month

For the first month of pregnancy, you won’t even know you’re pregnant. You don’t conceive until week two of pregnancy. That’s because the forty weeks of pregnancy begin on the first day of your last period meaning that … in your first month of pregnancy, you actually get your period? Oh my god, the female reproductive system just does not quit. We should maybe change this one to last place all by itself.

1. Fifth month

This month is fine.

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Read an interview with Kristen Mulrooney about writing this piece, over on our Patreon page.