SITE 1. MEDIA CENTER, MAIN BUILDING
Our tour commences here, in the rather grandiosely titled “Media Center,” which even the least astute among you will recognize as nothing but a small classroom equipped with a 19-inch television set and a cabinet of 12 videotapes, most of which are episodes of the old ABC-TV miniseries “Roots.” Right here on this steel-grey shag carpeting, on a sleety March Saturday in 1987, the virginity of then-sophomore Rick Lindner was taken by senior Molly Noonan while the two of them sat watching the Academy Award-winning film “Amadeus.” Rick was joyfully incredulous at this turn of events, since he and Molly had never previously spoken and especially because his woeful lack of personal hygiene was blatantly obvious even to him. The next week Rick was shocked to discover that Molly had been high as a kite on several tabs of acid the whole day and betrayed absolutely no recollection of their assignation. Moreover, for the remainder of the school year, every time Molly passed Rick on campus she would mistakenly call him Nick.
SITE 2. EXTERIOR, MAIN BUILDING
Can everyone hear me? I’d like to provide you with a little history. The Nine Partners Boarding School was founded in 1868 by the Onondaga Monthly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends in order to provide a superior secondary education for Quaker and non-Quaker teenagers. Unfortunately by the mid-20th century Nine Partners had fallen on hard times. For instance, this main building was only meant to be a temporary structure. It was swiftly and shoddily erected following a 1952 fire that was started by a disgruntled cafeteria worker. But funds to construct a permanent main building never materialized, so this edifice still stands, albeit only barely. Note how the back half of the building has over the years sunk deeper and deeper into the ground. By the 1980s, Nine Partners had become colloquially known as a “second chance” school, meaning that the admissions department was so desperate they would accept children who had already been expelled from any number of other schools. The average student in the class of 1989 was an only child, whose parents were married in 1968, divorced in 1974, and by 1985 were desperately in need of a willing harbor where they could deposit the unmanageable spawn of their ill-conceived union. The cultural and socioeconomic background of the Nine Partners graduating class of 1989 deeply informs the specific kinds of sexual experimentation that were occurring on campus.
SITE 3. ROOM 207, TAYLOR BOYS DORM
Can we all scootch in here? There’s room for everyone. On October 26, 1985, captain of the ultimate frisbee team Ethan Yates snuck Amnesty International Student Chairperson Faith Waltham into this dorm room and deflowered her, despite the fact that he was supposedly exclusively dating Sunny Shapiro, who was at the time off-campus serving a suspension for running out on a check at the local Denny’s. Upon climaxing, Ethan immediately informed Faith that if she ever told anyone about their encounter, he would deny it, because she was, in his words, “just too ugly.” Several psychiatrists concur that this incident was a direct cause of the bullimia which plagued Faith throughout her high school and college years. Whether it also led to her subsequent self-identification as a lesbian is a Nature v. Nurture debate that is best deferred.
SITE 4. BUSHES BEHIND TAYLOR BOYS DORM
Upon this cluster of pine needles, on the drizzly morning of May 12, 1986, bespectacled Max Crowe and willowy Rebecca Fiore attempted to give their virginities to each other, but had to halt the procedure when Max freaked out at the idea of causing Rebecca any kind of physical pain. Rebecca protested that whatever discomfort she might be feeling was merely an expression of her love for Max. But Max just started to weep, and Rebecca held him for several hours. Subsequent investigation has proven that Max’s response was triggered by memories of his father’s constant physical and verbal abuse of his mother. After thirteen years of therapy, Max finally considers himself fully well-adjusted in regard to sex. Currently he is completing his Master’s degree in International Conflict Resolution at Cornell University.
SITE 5. LANE AUDITORIUM DRESSING ROOM
Has everyone caught up to me? I don’t want to lose anyone. Here in the dressing room, on November 8, 1987, between the matinee and evening performances of Robert Sherwood’s Pulitzer Prize-winning anti-munitions drama “Idiot’s Delight,” stage manager Warren Woolsey and lead actor Lyle McFadden engaged in their mutual first act of fellatio. For the rest of the semester, Warren followed Lyle around like a lost puppy, carrying Lyle’s books, busing Lyle’s tray in the cafeteria, and even on one occasion polishing Lyle’s eyeglasses. This behavior came to an abrupt halt immediately following Christmas break, when Lyle started seeing Women’s Varsity Basketball point guard Susan Kelly. They continued dating until just before graduation, when he unceremoniously dumped her. Lyle, today the recording secretary for the Providence, Rhode Island chapter of the Radical Fairies, will not comment on his relationships with either Susan or Warren. Neither will Warren, who, immediately following graduation, started dating Susan Kelly. They married in 1995, legally changing their names to Warren and Susan Kelly-Woolsey. They have two children.
SITE 6. ROOM 118, CRAIG GIRLS DORM
I see some raised hands. I’ll be available to answer all your questions at the end of the tour. On the afternoon of February 3, 1988, Meg Verger returned to her room after smoking an illegal cigarette in the hedgerow behind this dorm. She was startled to find her roommate Tina Oliveri sitting on the bed with poetry teacher Vitus Zorich. At the time, Tina was best known around campus for the series of disturbingly pink and sapphic paintings she had recently completed for art class. Upon more detailed examination, it became clear that the name “Vitus” was cunningly concealed in every one of these paintings. Vitus had been recently married to Genevieve Riordan, the ESL instructor who unnerved the student body by color-coordinating not only her clothes but also her furniture and window treatments to match her favorite shade of nail polish. Upon seeing Meg, Vitus leapt up and cried out, “Nothing is going on here!” despite the fact that Tina’s brassiere lay on the bed between them. After the ensuing scandal, Vitus worked for several years as a carpenter before obtaining his current position as an adjunct instructor of freshman composition at the University of Saskatchewan. Tina’s whereabouts are unknown.
SITE 7. AQE GAZEBO
Our tour concludes here, in this gazebo built by students as part of the Adventure in Quaker Education Practical Skills program. On Graduation Eve 1989, Precious O’Leary and Toby Gillis consummated their six-week relationship right here on these hard wooden slats. They continued seeing each other over the summer, but then Precious began her freshman year at Oberlin and Toby started working aboard the Clearwater, and soon they drifted apart. Today Precious works in the Charitable Gifts Disbursement division at Goldman Sachs, and Toby lives in a tent on the grounds of Bard College. However, they both retain fond memories of their first sexual experience, and jointly they have endowed the campus with funds to build the celebratory brick walkway upon which some of you are standing. All alumni of the class of 1989 may inscribe a brick to commemorate their first sexual experience on the Nine Partners campus, in exchange for a donation of $100 or more to the school’s Annual Fund.