Congratulations on your acceptance to the Performative Ally Theater Program. Our world-renowned facility has produced some of the best talents in the industry, boasting very lucrative careers in performative allyship, and we’re delighted to have you join us. Please begin to familiarize yourself with our class selection for the upcoming semester by browsing through the course descriptions below.
Performative Allyship 101
What does it mean to be a Performative Ally? How do you most effectively spend your time loudly establishing yourself as an ally to the marginalized, rather than taking meaningful, actionable steps that speak for themselves? In this course we’ll teach you the basics in getting the most out of your performance, including how to set up your first Twitter account.
Activist T-Shirts 204
From FEMENIST to THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE, to GOD IS A BLACK WOMAN, and more, in this course, you’ll learn how to proudly perform as an ally by wearing it on your shirt — including how to frame and caption the perfect picture of it for Instagram. By the end of the semester, you’ll be able to shamelessly wear a $60 I’M STILL WITH HER Urban Outfitters’ shirt made by Taiwanese children to show your friends what a good liberal you are — all while ignoring the injustices that go on around you!
Replying to Trump Tweets 300
Donald Trump tweets a lot of dangerous, unhinged nonsense, and this course will teach you exactly how to use that dangerous, unhinged nonsense as an opportunity to show everyone how woke you are. From “covfefe” and “cheeto” jokes to demanding he resigns in shame, this course will have you turning on Trump tweet alerts to be the first to reply in no time.
Talking, Not Listening on Twitter 320
Become a master at using the never-ending dread of the constant news cycle and marginalized communities’ pain for RTs. In this course, you’ll cover the greatest hits, like, “Men, it is up to us to do better for the women around us,” and “Fellow white people, we have a responsibility to use our privilege to speak up,” all while completely ignoring instances in which you could embody said advice offline.
Using Children as Props 410
Once you’ve mastered the art of how to loudly perform your own allyship on Twitter, take your performance a step further with children. Woke anti-Trump sentiments become even more attention-grabbing from the mouths of babes, so this course will help you perfect your story when fabricating unrealistically pointed liberal commentary from your kindergartener. Show everyone what a good liberal parent you are with “Mommy, why is Trump’s immigration policy rooted in fear and othering of people who don’t look like him?” and more.
Grifting 411
(Advanced Course)
In this capstone course, students will spend the entire semester working on a special project that lacks in research, doesn’t add value to the world, and capitalizes off the pain of marginalized people to make money, all while still feigning the appearance of an ally. Whether it’s a children’s book featuring a shirtless Robert Mueller portrayed as a superhero, or a T-shirt that says #RESISTANCE with 100% of the proceeds going into your own pockets, learn how to take the money of every left-leaning aunt on Facebook, all while still bolstering your liberal cred.