In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns about the Time When Thor Ate His Own Pet Goats, Enslaved Two Children, and Then Decided to Go to Giant Land.
Loki’s a huge fuckin’ prick, man. I sweahr—I sweahr he’s a fuckin’ prick. I mean, I, I really don’t know why Thor hangs out with him so much. Do yah know why Thor hangs out with him so much?
Nah? I guess it’s like they’re buddies ah somethin’, yah know? Except Loki’s such a fuckin’ prick…
Shit, what was I gonnah say?
Oh yeah, so yah know, there was alsah this one time where Thor n’ Loki they were travelin’ tahgethah fah whatevah reason, n’ it don’t really mattah why but they did hang out a lot tahgethah like that back in those days n’ I guess Thor just didn’t realize Loki was such a fuckin’ prick back then. Like he must’ah just’ah regahded Loki as his smahtass friend back then. Yah know, like Loki’s the friend who just can’t keep his fuckin’ mouth shut at the fuckin’ pool table n’ next thing yah know some jehrkoff from Brockton’s in his face n’ then all’ah sudden everyone’s outside in the fuckin’ pahkin’ lot throwin’ punches at each othah n’ ah’courhse yah gottah stick up fah yah buddy since he’s yah buddy n’ that fuckin’ asshole from Brockton’s a real fuckin’ douchebag but aftah this stahts happenin’ like a hundred fuckin’ times ah mohr n’ it’s always yah same buddy who can’t keep his fuckin’ mouth shut at the bah n’ then yah find out that he’s alsah plannin’ on destroyin’ the entiyah fuckin’ planet yah begin tah staht reconsidahin’ yah—
GOAL! GOAL!!! Did you fuckin’ see that?! Fuckin’ Kelly man, watch the replay.
Right there..there it is… fuckin’ beautiful! Hahaha, fuck you, Blackhawks—fuck you!
That’s a good staht. That’s good, solid staht right there. Just gottah keep it up.
Play some solid fuckin’ D n’ put anothah one in the net.
But yeah so these guys Thor n’ Loki, they’re travelin’ n’ it gets tah be nighttime n’ so they stop off at this fahmah’s house way out in fuckin’ like Franklin County ah some place tah spend the night n’ the fahmah’s a real nice guy n’ so tah show their appreciation, Thor n’ Loki slaughtah those two goats’ah Thor’s that I was tellin’ yah ‘bout back on fuckin’ like the 9th’ah Januahry. So now they fuckin’ cook ‘em n’ eat ‘em fah dinnah. N’ ah’couhrse they shahre the meat with the fahmah n’ his family ‘cause that’s just good mannahs yah know. That’d be real fucked up tah kill n’ eat yah own pets n’ then not be gracious ‘nough tah offah tah shahre the meat with yah hosts.
Well anyway, thing is, with these two goats, they can come back tah life each mohrnin’ aftah Thor eats ‘em the night befohr. All he’s gottah do is wave his magical hammah ovah their bones, n’ bam! Rein-fuckin’-cahnated goats.
Hey man, yah ready fah a refill? I know I am. Here, let me top yah off…
Shit, so that fahmah, he’s got this prick son who goes n’ fuckin’ flagrantly disregahs Thor when Thor says tah put all the bones back unhahmed ontah the goats’ skins that he n’ Loki had fuckin’ flayed the night befohr, ‘cause this fuckin’ kid, what he does is he goes n’ he takes his knife n’ he cuts up one’ah the leg bones so he can suck the bone mahrrah out. So the next mohrnin’ when Thor goes tah do his qwee’ah little magic trick n’ bring the goats back tah life, one’ah ‘em’s limpin.’
So now Thor’s fuckin’ pissed n’ the whole family’s scahred fah their fuckin’ lives, ‘cause Thor n’ Loki ahr gods yah know n’ even though Thor’s an all-round good guy, he’s still got a fuckin’ tempah like Mike Milbury. But instead killin’ ‘em all, Thor just decides tah take the fahmah’s prick son n’ his daughtah too basic’ly as his slaves. Which especially sucks fah her yah know, I mean she didn’t even do anything wrong. I bet she really fuckin’ really hates her brothah fah that one.
But Thor, he just fuckin’ left the goats there. It’s like if he didn’t have himself two puhfect fuckin’ goats, he didn’t want any at all. I don’t know. It don’t mattah. N’ I gottah remind yah, yah could be heahrin’ this all in the fohm of a supah retahded question n’ answah session like poohr fuckin’ O’Malley’s bahtendah, so even if I don’t got all the answahs, just baehr with me. It might seem like it’s takin’ me half a fuckin’ yearh tah get through this stahry n’ we ain’t even close tah done yet but at least yah ain’t trapped in some fuckin’ bah on the othahside’ah the rivah converhsin’ with a fuckin’ robot.
But anyway, I don’t even know fah sure if Thor even evah went back tah get his goats ah not but I guess he pry did at some point. Eithah way, he’s always got a couple kids with him whethah they be’ah the human vahreity ah goat vahreity, I don’t know. But gettin’ back tah the stahry at hand, Thor n’ Loki now they set off with those two kids n’ they decide tah head eastwahds tahwahds Giant Land, which I think is in fuckin’ Nahway. Like I think it’s just a national pahk these days I think, but don’t quote me on that.
N’ let me tell yah, whereevah it is, Giant Land, it’s real fucked up.