In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns That Loki is a Very, Very Bad God.
Shit, I really fuckin’ hope we don’t blow it tahnight. I mean, me pehrsonally, I nevah really cah’d all that much one way anothah ‘bout the Blackhawks but now that we’re on the vehrge’ah elimination I’m stahtin’ tah fuckin’ hate those pricks. N’ yah know, aftah comin’ back ‘gainst the Maple Leafs like we did, it’d be a real fuckin’ shame tah choke right now.
Hey, you saw game 7’ah the Maple Leaf sehries, right? That shit was fuckin’ insane.
Yeah—no sehriously. Yeah, I had a hangovah the next mohrnin’.
But yeah, gettin’ back tah the Nahse gods, let’s see. Well, there’s really only a few’ah ‘em left at this point, n’ most’ah ‘em ahr pretty fuckin’ bohrin’. So fah stahtahs there’s this one guy Vali who’s supposed to be a real shahp 3-point shootah but no one really gives a shit ‘bout him. Basketball’s not that big in Scandinavia, yah know, n’ they’re mohr intah hockey n’ soccah up there which sucks fah him, ‘cause he’s a good playah.
Then there’s alsah this othah guy Ull who’s such a wicked good skiah that he pry couldah taken gold in evuhry fuckin’ ski event at Sochi if only they’d’ah just let the fuckin’ guy compete. Yah know, seriously, I’d like tah see this Ull guy compete in the men’s aerials competition. Like yah think those Belarussians ahr good at aerials? They’d look like a bunchah fuckin’ pahrapalegics belly-floppin’ intah the foot-deep kiddie pool compahr’d tah this guy. I mean, this guy, he’d back-flippin’ like fuckin’ Spidahman off the Hancock Towah n’ floatin’ down like a delicate crimson red fall fuckin’ leaf through the cool wintah aihr befohr finally gently landin’ in the watah’ah the reflectin’ pool n’ skimmin’ its suhrface like a graceful fuckin’ dove on a beautiful Christmas mohrnin’. It’d be a fuckin’ legendahry event, yah know, like the kind they’d show on all the sponsah commercials fah the next 100 fuckin’ years regahdless’ah whatevah country he played fah, ‘ren it’d be fuckin’ intahnational too unlike any othah Olympic victahry evah befohr ah aftah. But like I said, he didn’t qualify. Maybe bein’ imaginahry has somethin’ tah do with that, I don’t know. It doesn’t fuckin’ mattah at this point now anyway.
So besides those guys we alsah got Bragi who’s the god’ah poetry n’ Heimdall who’s the guy who watches ovah the rainbow bridge, n’ then there’s this guy Hod who’s basic’ly just a dumb blind fuck, n’ fuckin’ Vidar who I don’t even know what that fuck tah say ‘bout him.
… n’… uh, shit… who the fuck am I fahgettin’? Fuck. I always do this. Evuhry fuckin’ time I fuckin’ fahget somebody n’ drives me fuckin’ nuts. I don’t know why I can’t evah fuckin’ remembah ‘em all at once. Who the fuck is it? Shit…
But, hey, hey, yah know—it’s not like I’m a real prahfessional Nahse mythology stahry tellah here like that bahtendah ovah at Asgard is who’s still dealin’ with fuckin’ O’Malley. I mean in all honesty, I feel sahrry fah that poohr bahtendah. I mean he can’t get rid’ah this O’Malley son’ah-a-bitch. He’s just sittin’ there gettin’ drilled by this guy with question aftah question n’ the guy gives no considahration tah anyone but himself. I bet he don’t even fuckin’ tip well eithah. What a fuckin’ prick.
Shit, now I remembah! It’s fuckin’ Forseti! That guy’s a fuckin’ lawyah.
Yeah, no wondah I fahgot ‘bout him.
N’ then last’ah all we got Loki n’ he’s a real deceitful, lyin’ son of a fuckin’ bitch. I sweahr tah fuckin’ god, that guy is nevah up tah any good. He’s a fuckin’ liability n’ I don’t even know why Odin n’ the rest’ah his boys don’t just go n’ fuckin’ kill this guy befohr he can do anymohr damage. I mean, it’s not like Odin’s evah had any hesitation ‘bout committin’ muhrdah befohr, yah know? I mean, it’s how even he fuckin’ created all’ah Middle-Earth in the fihrst place, like I was tellin’ yah ‘bout couple months ago in paht 2.
But gettin’ back tah Loki, so his fathah was a fuckin’ giant, n’ so yah know it’s like, what do yah fuckin’ expect? Evil’s just in his genes; tryin’ tah make a good guy outtah him’s gonnah be like tryin’ tah make some poohr white ass Irish bastahd tan like a fuckin’ Italian, yah know it just ain’t gonnah fuckin’ wohrk n’ so what yah end up with is a real bitch’ah a fuckin’ sun-buhrn, only in this case it’s the entiyah fuckin’ wohrld that burhns n’ evuhryone fuckin’ dies in the end, which is actually wohrse ‘en skin cancah if yah ask me.
Now Loki though, he’s got a wife Sigyn n’ I guess she’s alright, just bad taste in men, which is nothin’ new, n’ tahgethah they had this kid Nari ah Narfi ah somethin’ which I haven’t even evah fuckin’ heahrd anyone say out-loud since Pinky n’ the fuckin’ Brain but whatevah.
But Loki, he alsah went n’ fucked this ogress who was livin’ out in the sticks n’ I don’t know why the fuck anyone would actually wannah fuck an ogress, I mean the worhd just kindah implies she’s gonnah be hideous, right? Ogress? I mean I’ve seen some fuckin’ ogress’ ridin’ on the T n’ ain’t evah a single time I thought tah myself, “Oh hey, yeah, check out that ogress. I can’t even tell which end is up n’ which end is down but her wahrts ahr fuckin’ gahgeous, yah know, n’ just look at how the light shines on her double chin…” n’ fuckin’ shit man I’ve kindah gone n’ made myself sick right now. I’ll be back in a minute. I need tah take a fuckin’ walk tah the men’s room anyway…
Hey man, sahhry ‘bout that. Shit, looks like we could both use anothah drink—Hey, Chelsea—Chelsea! Hey, yeah, me n’ this guy here we each need anothah ‘Gansett. Yeah, yeah just put it on my tab.
Hey, don’t wohry ‘bout it man.
So now where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, yeah, so Loki, so he goes n’ fucks this ogress n’ he knocks her up with triplets n’ those triplets, they’re fuckin’ monstahs, n’ not in the good way like at the ballpahk, but real mean monstahs who’ll eventually take paht in destroyin’ the entiyah fuckin’ univehrse. But that’s not till latah. Fah now it’s just good ‘nough tah know that one’ah the kids is a wolf, the othah is a snake, n’ the othah is some sorht’ah fuckin’ demon woman.
So now the rest’ah the gods, they find out ‘bout these ugly bastahds n’ the prophecies ‘bout how their gonnah tuhrn out tah be wohrse ‘en a couple’ah Chechan pricks from Cambridge—whose souls I shit on, by the way, n’ I fuckin’ hope they spend the rest’ah etuhrnity bein’ ass-raped by a 6-foot fuckin’ syphillic cactus—n’ so Odin, he sends his guys tah go n’ get these bastahds n’ bring ‘em on back tah Asgard.
So then Odin, he takes the snake, which is alsah known as the Middle-Earth Sehrpent, ah Midgard Sehrpent if yah wannah get all technical, n’ he throws the fuckin’ thing out intah the middle’ah the ocean tah try n’ drown it but instead it just stahts tah grow biggah n’ biggah n’ biggah ‘till finally it encihrcles the whole wide wohrld n’ it has tah bite itself on its own fuckin’ tail just tah keep from fuckin’ trippin’ on itself.
N’ then next up yah got this demon woman who evuhyrone’s callin’ Hel n’ I don’t know why but she’s a real fuckin’ bitch n’ her skin colah’s ‘bout as segregated as our own damn town ‘cause half her body’s blackah ‘en fuckin’ Roxbuhry n’ the othah half, it’s as white as Southie on a Januahry day, n’ these two halves, they just don’t fuckin’ mix n’ so as yah can imagine, this is one real volatile bitch. So yeah, if yah don’t die in battle n’ get tah go up tah Odin’s hall in the sky where yah get feast n’ fight till the end’ah time, then yah have go straight tah Hel, which fuckin’ sucks but it explains a lot ‘bout why Vikings loved fightin’ so fuckin’ much.
But as fah that fuckin’ wolf—his name’s Fenrir ah sometimes yah hear people call him the Fenriswolf—the gods didn’t think he was so bad at first. Hell, they even let him stay at Asgard fah ‘ra’while n’ yah know he was kindah like their pet dog. N’ Tyr in pahticular, yah know, he got tah be real fond’ah Fenrir. He’d go n’ he’d feed Fenrir on a regulah basis ‘cause they were buddies back then. Fuck, he’d even take the top off’ah his Jeep n’ he’d put Fenrir up in the front seat n’ then they’d go fah ‘ra ride up ‘long the Kancamangus Highway just tah check out the leaves in the fall; it was just real nahmal stuff that they’d do tahgethah like that, n’ Tyr, he didn’t even have tah wahrry ‘bout Fenrir jumpin’ outtah the cah n’ losin’ a fuckin’ leg ah anything ‘cause Fenrir, yah know, he had human intelligence n’ so he could even talk n’ shit n’ so they’d just be cruisin’ ‘long ‘round the backroad’s blastin’ classic songs like Mohr ‘en a Feelin’ n’ chlllin’ with the bikahs at some roadside bah befohr headin’ back intah town at the end’ah the day. Which sounds like a pretty good fuckin’ time right?
Well it’s all ‘bout to tah change real fuckin’ fast.