In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns about the Time When Frey the Fertility God Got Lovesick and Locked Himself Up in His Own House.
Shit man, I really don’t like this fuckin’ O’Malley chahractah. Have I mentioned this tah yah already? I mean this guy, it’s not that he’s a bad guy, it’s just that he’s a fuckin’ retahd is all. Like right now I know—I just know—he’s drillin’ some poohr othahwohrldly bahtendah with questions ‘bout the goddess’ names n’ now that poohr bastahd, he’s thinkin’, “Just leave me the fuck alone, alright, can’t yah see I’m just tryin’ tah wohrk here.” But he’s puttin’ up with it, yah know, ‘cause he wants a good tip just as much as the next guy. N’ I guess O’Malley’s not gettin’ hostile ah anything, he’s just fuckin’ obnoxious is all. But yah know, I mean maybe—just maybe—this bahtendah don’t wannah talk tah this guy fah the rest’ah his fuckin’ life. Maybe he’s got bettah things tah do, like tend tah his othah customahs n’ eventually fuckin’ go home. It’s not like he asked fah this dumbfuck tah just sit his ass down at the bah n’ staht carryin’ on like his life depends on it, yah know, n’ now he cant even fuckin’ get away from the guy. It’s fuckin’ ridiculous.
I mean, shit, if it was me, I’d take him outside n’ set him straight right out there on the fuckin’ street.
Yeah, yeah, good point. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a great idear, I don’t know. Guess it doesn’t really mattah.
But hey, did I evah tell yah ‘bout the time I put a fuckin’ hole in the wall ovah at the rink in Malden? Yeah, it was men’s league, championship game. Guys still talk ‘bout it too, not just me. But a’couhrse I still talk ‘bout it. That was one’ah my finah fuckin’ moments! That was a fuckin’ epic night. We shouldah won that battle but the refs were a couple’ah fuckin’ dickheads.
Hey, speakin’ a dickheads, did you know there’s a college down in Providence whose mascot’s a giant fuckin’ cock n’ balls? But like it’s a cahtoon one. I sweahr tah fuckin’ God, I’m not makin’ this up, but it’s fuckin’ genius if yah ask me. I wish I we had a 6 foot tall cahtoon dick rootin’ us on in men’s league. Maybe that would’ah given us the edge in Malden. I don’t know. I guess it’s mohr’ah a dream at this point.
But while we’re on the topic’ah dicks n’ cocks n’ balls n’ othah precious pahts’ah the male anatomy, I pry oughtah tell yah ‘bout this one time how Frey let his dick get the bettah’ah him tah the point that he went n’ got himself completely fucked ovah on its account. Seriously, he’s fucked.
So what happens is this one day he’s sittin’ up in Odin’s chair when Odin wasn’t ‘round, which yah ahren’t supposed tah do but he went n’ did it anyway, since yah know, he’s a fuckin’ god himself n’ he can get away with it. Now the thing with Odin’s chair is it’s magical—yeah, yeah, I know, pretty much evuhry-fuckin’-thing in this stahry is magical, n’ we got a lot mohr magical objects comin’ up here real soon, so don’t say I didn’t wahrn yah. But it’s not my fault. I’m just the messengah, yah know, it’s not like I’m makin’ this shit up. N’ the ahriginal authah Snorri’s been dead fah 800 fuckin’ yeahrs, so what can yah do. Anyway, the point is, if yah sit in Odin’s chair, then yah get tah see evuhrything else that’s happenin’ ‘cross the whole wohrld.
So now Frey’s just sittin’ up there doin’ what any nahmal straight guy would do if he got half the chance tah sit in Odin’s chair which basic’ly means he’s goin’ round spyin’ on all the pretty ladies while they’re showah’in’ n’ he’s goin’ from house tah house watchin’ ‘em all like some losah teenagah from an 80s movie when he just so happens tah come across the hottest giantess this side’ah the Golden Fuckin’ Banana n’ him bein’ the hohrny guy that he is—yah remembah the pehrmanent bonah I was tellin’ yah ‘bout back in February right?—well, he decides he’s not gonnah be able tah go on livin’ if he’s not able tah fuck this chick.
Now him bein’ a sex god n’ all, yah’d think he could prahbably figyah out a way tah hook this up somehow but instead he gets completely fuckin’ depressed n’ then he goes home n’ he locks himself up in his own house like a fuckin’ retahd n’ now he won’t even talk tah anybody.
So his dad Njord finally gets wind’ah this n’ he’s like, “Ah great, here we go again.” N’ so instead’ah dealin’ with it himself like he nahmally does he decides instead just tah send this sehrvant guy Skirnir ovah tah Frey’s house tah check up on him. N’ yah remembah Skirnir, right? He’s the guy I was tellin’ yah ‘bout who Odin sent off tah Dahk Elfland tah get those midgets to make a magical ribbon to bind the demon wolf with.
Yeah, exactly. Skirnir’s kindah the gods’ bitch.
Oh, shit we finished our beehrs ‘gain already…Chelsea—hey, hey, Chelsea! Can we get a pitchah? Yeah, a pitchah! ‘Gansett. I said ‘Gansett! Yeah.
How’s that sound tah yah? A pitchah’ah ‘Gansett? I don’t know ‘bout you but all this talkin’s makin’ me fuckin’ thihrsty.
Anyway, so Skirnir goes ovah tah Frey’s house n’ when Frey answahs the doohr he’s like, “Skirnir, I’m gonnah fuckin’ kill myself!” and so ah’couhrse Skirnir’s just like, “What the fuck,” n’ ends up havin’ tah babysit Frey’s dumb ass till he calms his fuckin’ livah n’ somehow in the couhrse’ah this entiyah fuckin’ mess he alsah ends up promisin’ Frey that he’d alsah go n’ look fah this gihrl fah him n’ ask her ‘bout him on his account. But he at least made sure he wasn’t gonnah came away this this deal empty handed himself, so he bahgained fah Frey’s magic swohrd n’ Frey agreed, which was a pretty dumb fuckin’ move on his paht. ‘Cause I guess I don’t cahr how hot this gihrl mightah been, she’s still a fuckin’ two-faced giantess which pretty much means she used tah play outfield fah the Yankees but his swohrd on the othah hand is paht’ah what makes him such a fuckin’ legend. I mean it’d be like Bourque tradin’ his one Stanley Cup ring that took him 20 fuckin’ yeahrs tah eahrn in anothah fuckin’ city just fah one night’ah erotic bliss with a goddamned traitah who ain’t even fuckin’ human.
N’ I can tell yah one mohr thing, Frey’s swohrd, it does a hell’ah a lot mohr ‘en a championship ring. This ain’t just some sohrtah glahrified memento we’re talkin’ ‘bout here. The thing with Frey’s swohrd is it’s made outtah fuckin’ magic like I was sayin’ n’ so it knows how tah fight all by itself without yah even havin’ tah do anything at all. N’ so now Frey’s gonnah fuckin’ die when the entiyah wohrld goes up in flames all on accoun’ah the fact that he gave it away. But who knows, maybe fuckin’ a giantess who has no loyalty is wohrth it in his book.
So anyway, Skirnir he goes off n’ he convinces this giantess tah mahrry that crazy bastahd n’ Skirnir ends up gettin’ the magic swohrd when all’s said n’ done. So good fah him I guess. Frey though he alsah has this magic boat that can fold up n’ yah can put it in yah pocket like a wallet, n’ he at least kept that, though it won’t do him any good when he gets fuckin’ cleaved in half by a goddamned fire giant wieldin’ a flamin’ fuckin’ swohrd when the entiyah fuckin’ univehrse gets destroyed.
So that’s the deal with Frey n’ I guess O’Malley’s still up there doin’ his best tah suck all the life right outtah this stahry n’ I don’t wannah be like him but I gottah wahrn yah, this next paht’s got nothin’ tah do with what we were just talkin’ ‘bout. I guess it might kindah seem like some sorhtah sudden, awkward abrupt break where the stahry completely shifts gee’ahs n’—
—Oh shit, they’re droppin’ the puck—COME ON Bs!