[Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V,
Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X,
Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII, Part XIV,
Part XV, Part XVI, Part XVII, and

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Part XIX:
In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns about Loki’s Cruel
and Unusual Punishment.

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So now the gods ahr all just standin’ ‘round by the fuckin’ rivah watchin’ Loki swim ‘round like a fuckin’ fish in the watah. Which he is, I guess, since he transfohmed his dumb ass intah—


I don’t even know if I can keep watchin’ this anymohr, it’s gettin’ fuckin’ painful…

I mean fuck… it’s like, yah know, yah see ‘em collapse in their defensive end like that n’ yah just gottah wondah, how the fuck’d they even make it this fah r’intah the fuckin’ finals in the fihrst fuckin’ place, yah know?

I mean fuckin’ Blackhawks, they showed up tah play… this shit’s like watchin’ a fuckin’ baby beahr get scalped by a goddamned battle-crazed 17th centuhry Indian wahrriah with a bigass tomahawk that makes Thor’s hammah look like a fuckin’ kid’s toy fah fuckin’ toddlahs…

Hey’d, I evah tell yah ‘bout the time when I punched a fuckin’ hole in the wall at the rink ovah in Malden! FUCKIN’ RIGHT I DID! Now THAT was a battle…

Nah, the othah guys fuckin’ mopped the floo’ah with our sahrry asses… wasn’t even a real contest really, ‘cept fah r’all the fights that broke out on the ice…

… nah the gods, they’re all just, yah know, they’re all standin’ there watchin’ that aquatic piece’ah shit do fuckin’ swan dives n’ belly flops n’ shit… till then Thor finally fuckin’ loses it n’ he fuckin’ dives in head fihrst aftah the slippahry bastahd!

He’s lucky he missed the fuckin’ rocks too! Not that it did him any good in the long run though since he’s already got a fuckin’ whetsone lodged in his skull from some othah brawl he got intah a while back with a giant asshole but I just don’t even want tah get intah that right now… uh, nah, nah, not even that piece’ah shit O’Malley who’s still fuckin’ ovah at, where the fuck was it?

Oh yeah, Asgahd… way up high in the sky n’ next tah MIT at the same time. Go fuckin’ figyah. But yeah, not even he cahrs ‘bout how that happened. It’s just like, yah know, it’s like the only thing he doesn’t ask ‘bout, n’ so why should we? Let’s just not, not even go there…

But Thor now, he basic’ly snatches that piece’ah shit Loki right outtah thin aihr while he’s doin’ some flippity-flop like some sohrt’ah acrobatic at the summah Olympics ah somethin’ n’ I tell yah, he just fuckin’ crushes that mothahfuckahs tail right then n’ there with his bare hands, n’ now this is the reason why all the Nahwegians all think that salmon’s got nahrow tails…

Yeah, fuckin’ Nnaahhhwegians man! They’ll fuckin’ believe anything…

…right, n’ yeah, so now we got Thor who’s thinkin’ it’d be a wicked good ideer tah gut Loki right there on the fuckin’ spot since he loves violence n’ killing but NNNOOOOOOOO. All the othah gods ahr like, “Uh, we can’t do that Thor, we need tah fuckin’ tohrt’ah his ass instead.” N’ FAH THOR THIS FUCKIN’ SUCKS!!! I mean fah him this is like… uh, well, it’s like uh… uh… well it’s like losin’ the signal on yah cell phone n’ not bein’ able tah update yah status fah the rest’ah the day since it’s, yah know, it’s all ‘bout the instant gratification n’ the petty distraction that makes yah feel like you’re less alone in the fuckin’ wohrld. N’ so now, as a way tah try tah appease Thor since he’s got a nasty fuckin’ tempah, the rest the gods give him a couple’ah kegs’ah stout since it’s Saint Patty’s Day n’ all n’ he loves gettin’ shitfaced as much as evuhry othah red-haihred bastahd in this fuckin’ town.

So now the gods, they all go n’ they lock Loki up in a fuckin’ cave somewhere out in the middle’ah fuckin’ I don’t even know where n’ it doesn’t even mattah ‘cept fah the fact that Thor’s not even there since he’s already finished off his kegs’ah Guiness n’ has moved ontah binge-drinkin’ green-coluh’d Budweisahs with the guys from the BC hockey team who ahr still celebratin’ their victhahry ovah BU at all the touristy spots ’round Faneuil Hall. N’ so he’s off actin’ like a fuckin’ hooligan ah whatevah with the cool kids n’… uh… well, the rest’ah the gods kidnap Loki’s nahmal sons n’ they fuckin’ transfohm one’ah ‘em intah a fuckin’ wolf n’ yah know what this wolf does? He fuckin’ muhrdahs Loki’s othah nahmal son! He fuckin’ MUHRDAHS him!

I don’t know why. ‘Cause it’s what wolves who used to be people ahr supposed tah do?

Well, it’s what the gods wanted… I mean, obviously this was intentional on their paht ‘cause next thing yah know they take that poohr kids’ entrails n’ they fuckin’ tie Loki up with ‘em n’… yeah, really… yeah, even the good gods ahr pretty fucked up…

… I mean yeah, I know Loki’s a real piece’ah shit, but damn.

Yeah, so next Skadi—

Njord’s wife, yah know, she’s the one who’s obsessed with skiing!

COME ON!!! What the fuck is this? Where the fuck were yah duhrin’ paht 4’ah this fuckin’ skaldic mastahpiece’ah shit n’ fuckin’ litah’ahry grace n’ uh…

…shit, what the fuck were we talkin’ ‘bout again?

Ah yeah! Shit. Yeah, so Skadi just so happens tah have this poisonous snake with her that she’s cahrried ’round allovah the place evah since Patty boy chased the fuckin’ thing outtah Ireland n’… aahhhh, I’m not sure when that was, but I think it was a while back.

Well, I guess yah nevah know when yah just might need a poisonous snake on hand tah tohrtah someone with n’ in this case it tuhrned out tah come very much in handy. I mean it’s fuckin’ practical! If yah lookin’ tah tohrtah a demonic Nahrse god anyway that is. But yeah, so Skadi she goes n’ she like, she somehow like drapes the fuckin’ thing ovah a rock right there above Loki’s head n’ I guess it just stays there… like it doesn’t even try tah slithah r’away ahr anything…

I don’t know, maybe Patty boy hit it too hahd on the head with his fuckin’ shillelagh ah somethin’, I don’t know, man. I don’t know!

… but now it’s got a fuckin’ mental defect ah something. I mean the dumb thing just lays there without evah even movin’ n’ basic’ly it just sits there n’ fuckin’ drools buhrnin’ hot venom down all ovah Loki’s fuckin’ face fah the rest’ah etuhrnity, ‘cept fah yah know when the entiyah fuckin’ worhld ends in a fuckin’ fi’ahball’ah death n’ destruction n’ alsah when his wife is helpin’ him out by catchin’ the drool in a bowl which is pretty nice’ah her since she doesn’t have tah be there n’ she’s missin’ the pahrade because this shit.

But poohr fuckin’ Thor, man! That guy! What a fuckin’ guy. So he’s alsah droolin’ right now but that’s only on accoun’ah the fact he’s passed out face down on one the steam vents ovah at the Holocaust memahrial aftah he got himself kicked outtah the oystah house fah pukin’ all ovah JFK’s honah’ahry table… n’ yeah now the guy’s a fuckin’ vagrant. Jesus Christ. At least when Loki was ‘round he didn’t drink himself tah fuckin’ oblivion but at the same time, he really fuckin’ knows how tah get intah the spirit’ah the holiday. I think he even wore a green cape this time.