We, the Reply Guys of Twitter, in order to form a more perfect Internet, establish Dominance, insure Our sense of Superiority, provide Our every two cents, promote Our general welfare, and secure the blessings of Our Mental Agility, to Ourselves and Our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Guild of Reply Guys.
The Reply Guy Promise
Section 1 – The Promise
All Reply Guy duties herein shall serve to honor the Guild’s guiding principle: the vitality of Our own voice. For the good of the Internet and the preservation of Male Excellence, We shall weigh in on women’s thoughts at every possible opportunity. Never shall We leave a comedian’s jokes un-improved or a female’s observations un-corrected. Eternally shall We pipe in.
Section 2 – Breaking the Promise
Should a Reply Guy fail to keep to His promise of Internet Omnipresence, He shall be cast out of the Guild and His facial hair shall be removed in His sleep like in the story of Samson and Delilah.
Section 1 – Women’s Accounts
All duties herein secured shall be primarily exercised on Twitter posts of those who need Reply Guy expertise most: women, both those We know personally and those We have never met. With respect to other men on Twitter, or for those whose gender identity falls outside the binary, We shall largely ignore them unless We find Ourselves Sexually Attracted.
Section 2 – The Comment
Our replies to all tweets shall fall into one of the following categories: unsolicited advice, explanation, contrarian comment, request for research to be done on Our behalf, improvement upon the joke, and/or sucketh upping. When We cannot think of a proper reply to the tweet in question, a .gif of minimal relevance shall suffice. Above all, no woman shall be excluded from Our familiar and chummy tone.
Section 3 – Persistence
Regardless of the aftermath of Our reply (be it a like, a response, a retweet, or nothing at all), We shall persist in providing Our feedback and friendship until We are blocked or served with a restraining order.
Section 4 – Compensation
We shall expect compensation, though We shall never admit it in a public forum. Sexual favors and attention are Our preferred currencies.
Direct Messaging Duties
Section 1 – Women’s Accounts
As in Article II Section 1, all powers herein secured shall be primarily exercised with women on Twitter — both those We know personally and those We have never met.
Section 2 – The Message
For females to whom We are Considerably Attracted, We shall send a direct message after a reasonable period of followship. This message shall intend to start a conversation that will lead to love, sex, and marriage.
For females to whom We are Wildly Attracted, so much so that We are physically unable to consider their feelings, We shall send a direct message as soon as possible. This message shall include a frank assessment of the beauty We have observed, and, if the mood so moves Us, a genitalia picture that was neither requested nor welcome.
Section 3 – Persistence
As in Article II Section 3, We shall persist in direct messaging until literally or legally unable to do so. Because of the private nature of the direct message, We shall lose Our temper and send abusive messages should the recipient not respond in a manner We deem acceptable.
Section 1 – Selfies
Whensoever a woman posts a photo of herself on Twitter, it is Our sworn duty to comment in a pithy, ostensibly non-creepy way. We shall be titillated, and We shall control Our titillation in order to maintain Our reputations as Kind Gentlemen. This self control shall be contained to the main Twitter feed and does not apply to direct messages.
Section 2 – Questions
Whensoever a woman tweets a question, We shall disregard the possible rhetorical nature of the inquiry and do Our best to provide an answer. This answer may be tongue in cheek or genuinely enlightening — the content of Our reply does not matter as much as the presence of the reply itself.
Section 3 – Women’s Issues
Whensoever a woman on Twitter discusses sexual assault, harassment, domestic violence, reproductive rights, the wage gap, and/or sexism, We shall not interact. This shall not be out of respect for women’s perspectives, but rather, it shall stem from Our complete lack of interest.
The Guild of Reply Guys, whenever two thirds of them shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or shall organize a Group DM for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Reply Guys of three fourths of the several sub-Twitters, or by Group DMs in three fourths thereof.
Done in a Group DM by the Unanimous Consent of prominent Reply Guys present the fifteenth of November in the Year of Our Lord two thousand and eighteen. In Witness whereof, We have hereunto subscribed Our Twitter handles.
Local Twitter – @Sir_Alex_Michaels, @keatonistheman
Weird Twitter – @DR_TITTIE, @pumpernicklefetish
Horny Twitter – @moneyshotxxx, @dickfordays
Black Twitter – @yooitsmack, @dariusx4
Posting in the Voice of Their Dog Twitter – @MrNoodleThePoodle, @Good_Boy17
Gun Twitter – @kissmy2ndamendment, @brianhenderson12
Night Twitter – @parisianelonmusk, @ouija___board
Religious Twitter – @godsfavoriteinstrument, @CoolReverendMitch
Inspirational Twitter – @eyessssssopen, @BelieveToAchieve
MAGA Twitter – @George488900287, @99376578299974345
Attest: @emlyncrenshaw, Secretary