Hey Gals!

Just a heads up that I’m finally a Mary Kay retailer! Just like Taylor, Audrey, Sarah, Evie, Cassie, and Christine!!! To kick things off, I wanted to invite you guys to a little Mary Kay party I’m hosting next Tuesday at my house. I’ll have several samples from our new skin care line, as well as a bunch of Plan B that I smuggled in from Canada. I love a good deal, so believe me when I say the prices of our moisturizers are unbeatable, and the Canadians are practically giving away Plan B up there.

I thought this party would be a really fun way for us to stock up on some new fragrances, as well as emergency contraception. Spring is right around the corner, and you really don’t want to miss out on these fun new scents, or get caught up in an unwanted yet totally avoidable pregnancy. This collection is just so creative — almost as creative as we have to be in order to maintain bodily autonomy.

Oh, and here’s an added bonus: I’m super excited to tell you that my friend Meg will be at the party! She’s the one who finally got me involved in selling for Mary Kay. She convinced me to open my own business as a side job because let’s face it: who doesn’t need a little extra cash to cover routine physicals and prescriptions? Meg is such an inspiration — she sold over $10,000 in Mary Kay merch last quarter, and is a board certified OB/GYN who performs abortions in her kitchen with amazing survival rates. On Tuesday, she’ll be setting up shop in my guest bedroom to help you pick the perfect shade of red lipstick, and fit you for a diaphragm — free of charge!

I know I’m new at this, and you guys get a million of these Mary Kay invites all of the time, but I’m just so excited to be starting my own business! I’m also super excited to give my ladies a contact number for a reliable doctor who is willing to to do Pap smears and STD testing using stolen equipment from the hospital where she works. I can’t tell you her name over the internet, but I’ll have her info for you guys on Tuesday!! Even though Republicans have effectively stripped away our rights to make important healthcare decisions, at least Mary Kay has our backs by allowing us access into a secret network of people actively fighting the patriarchy.

One thing Mary Kay has taught me is that by working together, we can make the world a more beautiful place. It’s so true! By secretly working together, we can attempt to navigate life-altering medical issues: from unexpected pregnancies, to breast cancer that could have been caught much earlier if we had access to affordable checkups. It’s not going to be easy, but perhaps with an underground resistance movement disguised as a pyramid scheme, we have a shot!

Hope to see you all next Tuesday!