Memo: All-Staff, Golf Cart Association of America
Recent news reports have noted an increase in golf-themed business meetings being made by our great and powerful 45th president of the United States. As such, in just ten weekends of totally business-related golf outings, the Secret Service has spent approximately $17,000 on golf cart rentals alone.
We at the Golf Cart Association of America could not be more pleased with this new and exciting demand for golf carts! When Mr. Trump outlined his plan for economic revival, we expected to see a spike in manufacturing for pure gold toilets, an increase in demand for orange comb-over wigs, and even a rise in tourism for the state of Florida — a boon for them after so many years of producing flesh-eating drug-abusing residents. But we never expected such an impact and so soon for our beloved golf carts!
When Mr. Trump said, “American cars will travel the roads, American planes will soar in the skies, and American ships will patrol the seas,” he missed one important mode of transportation. And that is the American golf cart. As they say, though, actions speak louder than words, and we believe that Mr. Trump’s actions in his first 70 days in office show what his most beloved mode of transportation truly is — the golf cart.
The Golf Cart Association of America wants to thank Mr. Trump for all of his high-profile use of golf carts for what his staff has assured us are business-only meetings. As a result, we will be commissioning a special golf cart as a gift for our 45th president. Mr. Trump’s cart will be one fit for a king. It will feature a solid gold body, an awning made to look like a red baseball cap with his wonderful motto MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN painted across the front, and automatic bullet-proof windows that go down along the front and sides to protect his hair from wind and his body from all of the terrible paid protestors he might encounter. Mr. Trump’s golf cart will feature a wireless connection, a phone for long distance international calls to places viewable from Alaska, and and iPad for all of the work he does while golfing. It will also come with a Diet Coke dispenser and an endless supply of freshly fried chicken to keep our beloved president fed and safe from food-borne illness. Best of all, Mr. Trump’s golden golf cart will feature a turbocharged engine allowing him to hit the gas and go from zero to 23 mph in a mere 23 seconds. Admittedly the turbocharged engine creates greater petrol emissions, but we have a feeling we won’t have to worry about that for too much longer!
Because we believe in Mr. Trump’s detailed job goals for America, we will be creating jobs and employing three additional full-blooded Americans with certified birth certificates to build the golden Trump golf cart over a span of five weeks. We will also build a little wall around them as they work to ensure there are no intrusions.
Currently, America is in the weeds. But Mr. Trump is chipping away at our nation’s problems every day. Last week he repealed our failing environmental protection laws, next week, who knows? Perhaps much deserved tax breaks for golfers! We at the Golf Cart Association of America are very excited to get started on this gift for Mr. Trump and to continue growing our relationship with him. We look forward to seeing our golden cart out on the links where our president will continue to work hard to make America great again!