[Originally published May 10, 2012.]
1. Thou shalt have no other meeting but this one and thou shalt not even think of checking thy iPhone to see what the market is doing or check the Pirates’ latest trade or even add that hand-painted platter from West Elm to your Pinterest board.
2. Thou shalt have no idea what the purpose of said meeting is.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s coffee, not even if thy neighbor shows up late with a grande latte and a vanilla scone that leaves grease marks on the paper bag, not even if thy neighbor pours French roast out of a stainless steel Thermos into a mug on which a clever and biting saying is printed.
4. Thou shalt read thy PowerPoint verbatim and thou shalt include clipart in thy PowerPoint that is totally unrelated to the content of thy presentation and thy clipart shall be animated with sound effects.
5. Thou shalt take notes and thou shalt use the margins of thy notes to create doodles worthy of the Sistine Chapel and thou shalt update thy status to “in another fucking mtg.”
6. Thou shalt not expect lunch when a lunch meeting is scheduled and thou shalt suffer in silence no matter how much thy stomach growls even if thou knowest thou shalt collapse if food is not immediately administered.
7. Thou shalt not agree to any action that is suggested and thou shalt not give any reason for thy objection and thou shalt respond in the negative to any order of business and contribute nothing during break-out sessions.
8. Thou shalt not look at the clock every three minutes or any comparable interval thereof lest thou discover time passes much slower when its passing is consulted.
9. Thou shalt not bring thy calendar and thou shalt be unable to schedule a follow-up meeting and also unable to sync thy calendar with anyone else’s and thou shalt miss the next meeting due to a communication breakdown.
10. Thou shalt bitch about said meeting during happy hour at a bar nearest thou and thou shalt become so inebriated that thou shalt take the name of thy boss in vain and thy actions shall be immortalized on YouTube.