From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Power Outage
Just wanted to shoot out a quick e-mail. As you’re probably aware, the building suffered a major power surge twenty minutes ago. Backup generators were implemented, and power should be restored to the whole firm now. Please e-mail facilities with any questions. Thank you.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Re: Power Outage
IT informs me that although power is back up, many of our network programs are still down. They are working to restore normal operations. I’ve received some e-mail asking me if the surge had anything to do with the giant alien creature that’s currently terrorizing the city. Yes, I believe it did.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Charity Casual Day!!!
Reminder: charity casual day tomorrow in support of Girl Scouts of America. For five dollars you can wear jeans, sneakers, and casual clothing while supporting a great cause.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Re: Power Outage
In response to numerous e-mails, I have no idea what planet the giant alien creature is from. Judging from its enormous gills, I’d have to guess it’s from a watery planet. But would a monster from a water-based planet also be able to shoot fire from its mouth? I’m not sure. Reminder: please let me know if you plan to be in the office on Memorial Day so I can request HVAC for your floor.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Spam Filter
As a result of the ongoing disaster, Outlook’s spam filter is not working properly. We are also experiencing a high volume of Internet usage, and it is slowing down our system. Please refrain from accessing streaming video footage of the large monster that is attacking the city. If you want to see the monster, the best way is to simply look out the window, as it’s currently demolishing the Cold Stone Creamery across the street.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Maintenance Issue
Thank you for your e-mails. We are aware of the enormous hole on the 18th floor, and we have sent a member of the maintenance crew to clean up the debris.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Beware of False Rumors
Some of you may have heard rumors that the alien monster has been shooting off smaller, more agile monsters, which are now scaling our building and entering through the cracked windows on the 14th floor. Those rumors are false. The monster is not shooting off smaller monsters. This is pure paranoia. However, the problem with Outlook’s spam filter is real. We should all treat this seriously and report any suspicious e-mails to IT.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Dress Code
Casual day is not until this Friday. We have received numerous reports of employees running through the halls shirtless and bleeding. If a client is visiting, this can be seen as unprofessional. Any questions about dress code should be directed to HR.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Shhhhh! It’s a Surprise!!!
Next Thursday the girls in word processing are throwing a surprise bridal shower for Sylvia Juaregui who is set to marry Roger Garcia, a paralegal in the real estate group. You can drop off donations for a cash gift with me or with anyone in facilities. Let’s make Sylvia’s bridal shower unforgettable!
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Re: Beware of False Rumors
Correction: smaller monsters are indeed branching off of the large creature and infesting our building. Please avoid the cafeteria, as the monsters are currently destroying the vending machines and spraying acid on the new carpeting near the elevators. The cleaning crew has been called to the scene.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Firm Meeting
I was just informed by the CEO that all employees should report to the conference room on the 20th floor for a mandatory emergency meeting. Mr. Marget will fill everyone in at that time. Thank you.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Lost and Found
A broken red high heel shoe and a Blackberry were found next to the large hole on the 18th floor. If these belong to you please contact facilities to claim them.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Re: Firm Meeting
Unfortunately, the meeting with Mr. Marget on the 20th floor has been canceled due to him being captured by the small monsters that have infested the firm. Also because the 20th floor is completely engulfed in flames.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Surprise!!! Update
Sylvia’s bridal shower is now on hold. As many of you are probably aware, the monsters have implanted their eggs in Roger’s thighs. We’ll reschedule the shower at a later date, depending on how he makes out.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Catering Tip
Todd from catering sends word that the monsters are allergic to caffeine. A group of secretaries found one of the creatures shriveled up and covered in what they believed to be Pepsi residue. The catering staff quickly created Pepsi cocktails and coffee bombs to beat back the creature onslaught. Power is restored to nearly every floor with the exception of the 20th floor, which no longer exists, and the 18th southwest corner where there is still an enormous hole.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Fresca
A group of the smaller monsters are approaching my cubicle. I’ve found a half-drunken can of Fresca in a wastebasket. Anyone know if Fresca has caffeine? Also, in the future please be sure to separate recyclable material, like cans and bottles, from the general trash.
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Re: Fresca
Fresca does not contain caffeine. If anyone knows how to apply a proper tourniquet please come to the janitor’s closet on the 17th floor as soon as possible. I have a letter from the State of New York Insurance Department addressed to the Municipal & Infrastructure Assurance Corporation. Please advise if this belongs to you.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Rosie.Okeefe@GoldwaterLaw.com
To: Everyone Chicago Office
Subject: Early Closure
The firm is closing early today. The Word Processing department will be open until 4 PM. The Mail Room will be operating until 7 PM or until the building is destroyed, whichever comes first.