A thirty-seven-year-old woman
She’s old enough to be president but keeping it tight enough to be a president’s fifth wife. It may be genetics, or it may be expensive products, an exhaustively fitness-focused lifestyle, and a potent combination of Botox, fillers, and laser skin treatments, but this gal’s aging like a fine wine (deliciously for ten to fifteen years before rapidly turning sour and bitter). When younger women meet this mature lady, they always assume she’s their age but a very heavy drinker. The joke’s on them—she hasn’t had a sip of booze in a decade, not because she’s an alcoholic, but because if abstaining from alcohol has worked for Jennifer Lopez, it won’t work as well for this woman but is worth a try anyway. Stay snatched, mom!
A thirteen-year-old dog
This tiny little Yorkshire Terrier gets mistaken for a puppy all the time, even though she’s pushing one hundred in human years. Her joints may get stiff in the rain, but she’s still got some pep in her step—provided it’s between sixty-eight and seventy-three degrees Fahrenheit. Otherwise, she’s not getting out of bed for even the tastiest of treats. Her secret? Those puppy dog eyes, plus a genetic inability to weigh more than nine pounds. Get it, little bitch!
A twenty-five-year-old queen termite
This queen is the leader of her pack—literally. Though ancient for a termite, she’s still churning out fresh eggs, which keeps the boys chewing straight through the floorboards to get to her. She may have gravitas, but this royal insect doesn’t look a day older than any of the other termites, because who could possibly tell two termites apart? Probably not even the termites. A true queen!
A giant tortoise
This colossal species may not have your ideal body type (short legs, thick in the middle, weighing five hundred to one thousand pounds), but she’ll be crawling her big old body across tropical islands long after you and yours are dead and gone. She’s about to turn three hundred years old, but she doesn’t look any older than her daughter, or granddaughter, or great-great-great granddaughter. Maybe it’s because she didn’t reach sexual maturity until her thirties—it turns out being a late bloomer can really help you blossom later in life. Sure, she’s got rough, scaly skin and a 360-degree neck waddle, but baby, she was born with it!
An ocean quahog clam
Those in the know may recognize her large black shell, but others might mistake this ancient arctic clam for your average chowder mollusk. Surprise: she’s about 470 years older. Sure, she’s got the rings around her shell to prove it, but once cracked open, you’d never suspect this taut little piece of flesh has been chilling just below the arctic shore since the days of Columbus. I guess a daily swim and staying miles away from even the faintest ray of light for literally hundreds of years really can work wonders. She’s serving sunscreen, honey!
It may be obvious that this giant sequoia is the largest known living single-stem tree on Earth, but you’d never know she’s also one of the oldest. This towering redwood is estimated to be between 2,200 and 2,700 years old—but we’ll go with the lower estimate, out of respect for those lush, lush leaves. Unlike so many of us who weaken with age, Sherman’s trunk is only getting thicker. Slay! (Please do not kill this tree, it’s a landmark.)
A Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish
She’s not known as the “immortal jellyfish” for nothing. Scientists don’t know how long this organism has been floating around the Mediterranean, but we do know the secret to her youthful appearance: she can turn herself back into a polyp at any time and regenerate a whole bunch of new genetically identical bodies. It’s like when the Kardashians make a new friend and introduce her to their plastic surgeon, but cheaper. Talk about twinning!
The Milky Way
She’s got curves for parsecs and the confidence never not to be draped in sparkles. Got to give it up for the OG life-giving force, our galaxy. One-thousand light years thicc (even bustier at the bulge), our galaxy is 13.6 billion years young and still has the milkiest complexion in the universe. Keep thriving until you collide with Andromeda and cease to exist in 4.5 billion years, galactic diva! Yassss!