[See lists of things a man MUST DO before 30 here and here.]

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Show up at Madonna’s front door and shyly tell her about your pubic hair fetish

Be the first astronaut on the International Space Station with a spastic colon

Break the sound barrier… in a rented Hyundai

Climb a cellphone tower and fall to your death, thereby proving that capitalism is bad

Raise a glass to your recently deceased plumber in the midst of a foam party on Ibiza

Surprise that skittish intergalactic creature who lives beneath your porch with an impish squirt from a water gun

Be the first scientist to perform voluntary cosmetic surgery on yourself at the South Pole

Take a cross-country trek in a two-seat motorcycle with special guest, Courtney Love

Attempt to impregnate a casaba melon

Partner with your mother-in-law for a drunken tag-team fight in the murky waters of a roadside motel pool. Your opponents? Twin drifters nicknamed “Death” and “Ruination.”

Wander shirtless through the bakery section of a local Safeway, vigorously slapping out air-bass to Boston’s “More Than a Feeling”

Tour North Korea with your Blues Brothers 2000 tribute band “Rubber Biscuits”

Fight before Congress to have a strain of previously unknown stomach flu named after you

Vajazzle your girlfriend’s vagina into the shape of a question mark