Things I’ve Done in a Starbucks

Pulled out a Tupperware full of homemade Swedish meatballs and demanded that the barista heat them up in the microwave.

Set up a field office for my “failed” presidential run.

Complained that there wasn’t enough money in the ATM.

Bitterly ate cold homemade Swedish meatballs.

Legally reclassified the coffee shop as an independent country so that I could set up an offshore bank account under the espresso machine.

Threw a birthday party for my fictional son, Ronald, who I created for tax purposes.

Plotted regime change with the leader of a rebel group in a country that I may or may not have had significant oil investments in (I did — LOL).

Snorted cocaine in the bathroom.

Snorted cocaine in the café.

Snorted cocaine in the champagne room. Technically it was a “supply closet,” but I was drinking Dom Pérignon so who’s to say?

Told my wife that I was leaving her for Ronald’s live-in Swedish au pair, Astrid.

Told Astrid I was leaving her for her younger sister, Elsa.

Stole the data of every man, woman, and child in South Carolina and turned the champagne room into a data farm.

Listened to Elon Musk beg me like a newly hatched barn swallow to come hang out with him on Mars.

Met with my good friend, legal adviser, and Ronald’s godfather, Michael Cohen.

Things I’ve Never Done or Experienced in a Starbucks

Felt unsafe.

Been harassed by Starbucks employees and told to leave.

Have the police called on me.

Bought anything.