We did not get locked in our homes just to watch a man acrobatically finish on some poor woman’s boobs. If there is good porn “for women,” it’s definitely not in the “For Women” category. And we need good porn — now more than ever. I’ve been in my apartment for two whole menstrual cycles, and you better believe I’ve masturbated more times than I made eye contact with my last boyfriend. He was extremely awkward, but still, we really need better porn. Until porn sites can think of women as more than a category in the first place, we put together a list of things more arousing than their uninspired suggestions. Hopefully, these can tide you over during this time of need.
Guys who don’t roll over immediately after they finish. I get social distancing, but you’ve been doing this for months, Matt.
A squirrel making eye contact through the window as you masturbate.
It’s been a long time since you left the house.
Making out with your pillow.
A nod from the hot guy in Whole Foods,
the one place you’re now allowed to venture.
Gordon Ramsay shouting about lasagna
in a Kitchen Nightmares clip.
The haunted lead male detective on the British murder shows you’ve been binging in place of any actual human interaction (in general, but especially now).
Life outside the apartment (in general, but especially now).
Victoria Secret’s “For Women” section.
Netflix’s “For Women” section.
Walgreens’ “For Women” section.
Your college crush watching your Instagram story
where you make pasta, for the ninth time this day.
Inbox zero.
Bic’s pens “For Her.”
A promotional discount on a food delivery
app for Women’s History Month.
Your most annoying roommate going back to her parents’ for the quarantine.
Most other porn categories.
Actually, all other porn categories. Were any women involved in the making of the “For Women” category? Why would I want to watch a woman deliver unreciprocated oral for 20 minutes? I already did that for a whole relationship in college.
Women’s interests being considered in the making of a product marketed to them.
Any product not created by men for women.
Cacio e pepe. Literally just cacio e pepe.