Coke Energy regards you imperiously from the grocery aisle endcap, enthroned above a legion of its squat, unattractive kin. Even the coy crown prince of the Cola kingdom, Orange Vanilla, cowers under its gaze. Coke Energy’s visage is cold, matte-slick, festooned in sumptuous spirals. Its pull-tab cracks, reminiscent of Jolt, your former heart-stopping paramour.

Once in a glass, it rages erotically like the sunset-sea in a Turner painting. The bubbles are more muscular than any you’ve seen in a soda, failing to burst even with excessive swirling. Coke Energy bears no odor, offering only a tantalizing tingle for the nostril hairs. All the better, you think, this heir to the King of Sodas is saving itself for sipping. The flavor is anesthetizing Americana. Your palate will quiver at the familiarity. Then the latent sweetness will come. Thirty-nine grams of sugary indulgence! Your tongue will wriggle in ecstasy and disgust. Your degenerate taste buds will plead for another assault of the sucrose-storm.

In the end, you’ll have no choice but to abandon reason and fully embrace Coke Energy. After you chug the can down, your eyes may bulge, your nerves may pulse and jangle, but rest assured, the office work which seemed melancholy-inducing moments ago will now seem unduly pleasurable. Just try not to imagine that you’ve become that caffeine-addled spider in the proto-meme, spinning away toward oblivion.