TO: Tanner Connors
FROM: Denise Overton
SUBJECT: Our Product/Market Fit
Due to changing projections in my quarterly emotional needs model for fiscal year 2019, I am pivoting our relationship from domestic partnership to acquaintanceship. This revolutionary new policy is effective immediately.
My chief angel investors (my parents) and my advisory board (my college roommates, Chloe and Abigail) feel that continuing our partnership would be — to use our preferred parlance — just boiling the ocean.
Sure, at one time you and I disrupted the relationship space. We on-boarded so seamlessly; you ideated date nights, I conceptualized healthy communications strategies. We optimized vacation activities with buy-in from multiple stakeholders, including “Paint and Pinot,” snorkeling, and product-evangelizing on our join Instagram account, @tanniseinlove. Leveraging best practices, we cohabitated. We even considered a full merger. We were a strong cross-functional team, and I drank the Tanner Kool-Aid.
But if we drill down to our Big Rocks, it’s clear: we’re on different paths right now. We need to innovate in opposite directions and move the needle to a new record. Since you don’t want kids, our model isn’t scalable. And in this incubator, it’s mission critical to make hay.
You’ve also slipped recently in key performance indicators. You’ve punted the unpleasant tasks to me, including the labor of buying your step-father’s Christmas gifts, not to mention responsibility for cleaning the toilet bowl. At one of our many all-hands meetings, you agreed you were underperforming even in your core competencies. Your idea of cross-team collaboration has become ordering Blue Apron, but never preparing it. And what was once your sweet spot — our annual Oscar party — has seen a significant drop in audience engagement this year. Meanwhile, you had negative emotional growth the last two quarters, and you haven’t addressed my single biggest user pain point: not orgasming. Our second date banter (as cross-referenced in FY 2015 Q3 report) suggested you were experienced in this arena, but obviously, those were vanity metrics. Truly, your UX skills are outdated; when the lights are down low, you don’t think outside my box.
We’re out of runway and I just don’t have the bandwidth to keep iterating.
Here’s the 30,000-feet takeaway:
We made some good memories. Let’s pull the trigger and cash out while we still have some positive ROI.
- I’m moving out. We already sleep in different rooms, so the transition will be relatively seamless.
- I’m happy to leave a client testimonial on your Tinder or Bumble profiles. You deserve someone who can offer you wild, spontaneous nights of vertical integration.
- There are so many rock star ninjas out there. Go find a younger, hungrier workforce eager to intern to hear your thought leadership on potential Game of Thrones spinoffs.
- If things don’t make sense after a few months, ping me and we can circle back in Q2.
- Option to upgrade status to friendship in 3 to 6 months.
Best of luck in your future endeavors,
TO: Denise Overton
FROM: Tanner Connors
RE: Our Product/Market Fit
Can we please talk about this in person?!????
AUTO-RESPONSE FROM: Denise Overton
TO: Tanner Connors
RE: RE: Our Product/Market Fit
Thanks for reaching out. I’m out of pocket from now until June, living the digital nomad life as I attend a Costa Rican leadership summit. Psyched to A/B test Octavius and Gerard for their unique value proposition and market penetration.
Regards and namaste,