Stunningly Renovated 2BR/1BA
PERFECT for Today’s
Modern Lonely Professional


Looking for your own apartment in one of downtown’s hottest neighborhoods? Searching for the perfect mausoleum to your once-vibrant personal life? Single and ready to obsess over every decision that dead-ended you there? Look no further! This posh pad has got all the luxuries you need to take your lifestyle – and looming existential crisis – to the next level!


  • 2 bedrooms! Rare find in this part of town. Turn one into a home office that further erodes your work-life balance or make it into an activity room that gives you space for whatever sad little hobbies distract you from your crushing loneliness. It’s up to you, captain!
  • Master bedroom is the perfect size to ignore by falling asleep on the couch every night so the TV cuts through the suffocating quiet
  • Stainless steel fridge so big that it’ll ALWAYS feel empty – like your soul – no matter how many takeout leftovers you accumulate. Yum!
  • Bathroom equipped with new brass fixtures that remind you of the time you and your ex got snowed in, watched a House Hunters marathon, and it was just nice
  • Waterfall shower has FANTASTIC water pressure. You’ll wonder where the water ends and your stream of tears begins!
  • Walk-in closets have gorgeous handcrafted shelving. You could hang something pretty heavy from that bar and nobody would find it for days.
  • Hardwood floors!
  • Near lots of great restaurants where you can feel self-conscious about eating alone
  • Conveniently located next to public transportation. Maybe you could meet someone on the bus. Weirder stuff has happened, right?
  • Granite countertops. She always wanted those.
  • Big bay windows good for gazing through aimlessly while contemplating if you’ll ever experience true intimacy with another person. PLUS lots of light.
  • Partially furnished with queen-sized bed nobody will love you enough to share. SERIOUSLY, this bed is so cozy you’ll never want to get out. Ever. Lay in it all day. Call off work again. What’s it matter? Nothing really matters in the end. Pull those covers over your head. Come back to the darkness. No one can see your shame here.
  • On-site laundry! Or you could wear those jeans for a fifth day. It’s not like you need to impress anyone anymore.
  • Live-in super who you’ll resent yet be oddly relieved to see just to have a moment of human contact, however fleeting

Square Feet: More than enough for a few boxes of unassembled IKEA furniture and pile of soiled clothes on the floor

Price: A lot less if you had a significant other to share it with – but if you did, you’d be looking at houses

Contact: Call 555-645-5047 while simultaneously realizing that the last human being who called you was the dentist’s office assistant confirming your teeth-cleaning appointment

Sorry, no pets