We know our customers feel pride for their country inside and out. And frankly, with all of this talk of period underwear and free-bleeding, our stranglehold on America’s collective vagina is slipping. So beginning July 1, we’re renaming our tampons “America.” That’s right, we’re going all the way in: Aunt Flo, meet Uncle Sam.
Over the next few weeks, you’ll notice our classic pink flower pattern has been redesigned to a stars and stripes motif, and our sizes have been changed to light patriot, medium patriot, super patriot, and super plus patriot. Our applicators, now printed with the signatures of our founding fathers, will help keep your borders secure for up to four hours.
Why did our brand make this bold move? We consider ourselves in touch with the strong undercurrent of opinions in this country. And with this election cycle poised to be the most rootin-tootin’ flag-wavin’ hat-wearin’ hate-slingin’ display of American pride yet, we thought: Why not equate our complicated democracy to a wad of cotton that holds up to six times its volume in uterine lining?
We’re all going through a painful period right now; so let’s stop the bleeding and start standing as one nation, undivided, frolicking on the beach in a white silk outfit.
Having a Fourth of July party? There’s bound to be someone who needs a little America up their sleeve. Want to feel connected to our country’s heritage? Think of Lewis and Clark navigating the Missouri River when you let America regulate your flow.
We recommend humming a few bars of the “Star Spangled Banner” as you send our country on a mission; to protect, absorb, and keep it all in until you want to let it all out. The truth is, every trip to the bathroom is an opportunity to make America great again by flushing it down the toilet. Because we need a fresh start. How else will we stop all that unwanted stuff from crossing the borders of our underwear?
So go out and buy America for every red-blooded vagina you know. Together, we can shove this great country up yours.