Thank you for your interest in our complete line of Viralocity™ products, which take the guesswork out of the uncertain process of going viral. Scientifically engineered by a team of 14-year-old boys to ensure a viral outcome, Viralocity™ offers several different video packages designed to meet your needs.

Bronze (Babies) Package: $49.99

The Bronze Video begins with twin three-month-old babies. The babies are doing a spot-on, soulful cover of Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” on the set of the Ellen DeGeneres show. Midway through the song, Lady Gaga herself surprises the babies and joins them on stage. The results of American Idol are then announced, and the babies cry hysterically when their contestant does not win. You will laugh uncontrollably at the crying babies until the face of Linda Blair from The Exorcist suddenly comes on the screen and scares the crap out of you, causing you to fall backwards off your chair. Your reaction to this video will, of course, be part of your video. For an additional $9.99, your video can also include a supercut, showing a montage of all the highlights of your video compressed into sixty hilarious seconds.

Silver (Kids) Package: $59.99

This package features an impossibly adorable five-year-old girl. While still slightly loopy following a dental procedure, the girl will give herself an inspirational pep talk in the mirror about the awesomeness of being a five-year-old girl. Her cochlear implant will then be activated for the first time and she will be told, on camera, that she is GOING TO DISNEY WORLD THAT VERY DAY! After the Disney announcement, the girls’ parents, who have been deployed overseas, will enact a surprise homecoming in a school lunchroom. For an optional $9.99, she can then also have an emotional reunion with a beloved pet lion that had been reintroduced to the wild.

Gold-I (Pandas) Package: $69.99

Your Gold-I Video showcases panda bears whose cuteness is of Biblical proportions. The mother panda bear will rescue her baby from certain death on a Seoul highway, not once, but four hundred and fifty times. In a row. These rescues are shown in stop-motion, followed by the pandas’ audition for the Australian version of You’ve Got Talent, in which they do an execrable rendition of a bland pop song entitled “Wednesday.” After the auditions, the pandas are being interviewed on the local news when a passing man on a bicycle accidentally plows into the reporter. For an optional $19.99, his agonizing cries can be auto-tuned by the Gregory Brothers and turned into a catchy song called “My Leg! My Leg!”

Gold-II (Grab Bag) Package: $69.99

One of our most popular packages, featuring a charming assortment of unrelated but guaranteed-to-go-viral elements. It begins with footage of one of nature’s most elusive and awe-inspiring spectacles: thousands of north African porcupines mating simultaneously, all set to a haunting soundtrack by a twee Williamsburg duo best known from their appearance in car commercials. The next segment shows a well-known sportscaster making racist and anti-Semitic comments and mercilessly berating his teenaged daughter while thinking he is off-camera, a segment then re-worked as an Xtranormal movie and then re-worked as a scene from the 2004 Third Reich movie Downfall. This video concludes with 25 seconds of jerky but entirely viewable footage from a leaked sex tape featuring someone who has appeared on a reality television show and/or a band member of a country supergroup from the 80s. For an optional $19.99, the footage can feature a cast member of a show currently running on the CW network.

Platinum (Wedding) Package: $79.99

The platinum video begins with a wedding party processing down the aisle while doing Ukrainian sand painting and an intricate lip dub of “Rapper’s Delight.” But the wedding actually turns out to be an elaborate ruse: in the midst of the procession, one of the groomsmen proposes to a bridesmaid, who then reveals she is pregnant by silently showing the camera a series of hand-lettered cardboard signs. The two then participate in a flash mob in a European train station, during which the groomsman, who has no arms or legs, scores the game-winning point in a championship basketball game. The entire proceeding then becomes part of an intricately choreographed Rube Goldberg-esque video for the band OK Go. For an optional $14.99, the entire video can a) include a Rickroll, in which viewers are unexpectedly shown the 1987 music video for Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” or b) made to look as if it were shot by a pair of folksy elderly wedding “guests,” who think the camera is not working and do not realize they are being recorded. As a special thank you, if you act now and order the Platinum package, we will include a .jpg image suitable for posting on your blog, flickr, Facebook, etc. at no additional cost. The photograph is of a hand-lettered cardboard sign being held up by disembodied fingers. Please indicate if you would like your sign to say you are part of the “one percent” or the “99 percent.”

Please don’t forget to “like” Viralocity on Facebook. And remember, with Viralocity™, your video will totally go viral.