As a creative entrepreneur and a male feminist, the recent focus on sexual harassment in the workplace has led me to rethink my leadership style. It has both shocked and horrified me to learn how many powerful men abuse their status by taking advantage of their female coworkers. I’ve been inspired to make real changes to diversify my company to ensure that harassment will never be an issue here. This is why I will now only accept applications from Labrador retrievers.
I recognize that this new hiring initiative may be met with skepticism, and even accusations of reverse discrimination. After all, not all men are sexual predators, but as a male ally I know that there are enough to sexually assault one in four women. That statistic should not be taken lightly, and also the paperwork that comes with accusations of harassment is not something I want to deal with. By decreasing the number of men in my office, I can dilute the air of toxic masculinity and thus decrease the chances of harassment taking place. It’s simple math, really.
However, this presents a problem. Fewer men in the office translates to fewer employees doing work that is needed for my company to function, like typing and printing. How could I dismantle the traditional boy’s club while maintaining the same level of productivity? I ravaged my brain for many minutes until I came to an obvious solution: hire fewer men, and more Labradors.
I realize that, of course, I could simply hire more women, but wouldn’t that just create more targets for men to harass? Doesn’t seem very progressive to me.
Labrador retrievers are widely known for their loyalty, their intelligence, their good temperament, and their inability to make complaints to HR. I figured having Labrador employees would be similar to having male human employees but with less risk of inappropriate sexual conduct and, admittedly, fewer thumbs. But who uses thumbs to type, anyway?
I tested out this diversity initiative last week with great success. Three Labradors (including one chocolate) worked full shifts and zero complaints were filed all week. The new employees didn’t technically accomplish anything of value aside from taking several naps and drooling on the Keurig, but they also didn’t inspire any unsavory gestures or legally compromising remarks such as, “Nice tits today, Karen.” It would appear that sexual misconduct has been virtually wiped out from my company, with the only direct cost being a few bags of dog food and some old newspapers. Oddly, I did find a jar of peanut butter in one of the bathroom stalls on Friday evening, but I’m sure that was nothing.
By continuing to employ a mixture of men and Labrador retrievers, I believe I can foster a workplace environment that encourages mutual respect, proper boundaries, and no formal suits. I hope that other companies will follow in my footsteps and normalize attempts to remove sexual harassment from the workplace. After all, I have two daughters.