Be it enacted by the Senate of the United States of America in Congress assembled, this Act may be cited as the “Peremptory & Preemptive Senator Self-Nicknaming Act” wherein the senators, to remove the sting of the president’s bullying, have unanimously agreed to prophylactically give themselves nicknames in advance of Donald J. Trump invariably doing so when the senators inevitably and imminently cross him or question him or doubt him or voice long-harbored suspicions or otherwise draw his ire. Nicknames must be sufficiently stupid and rudimentary to make Trump think he thought of them himself but also sufficiently innocuous to preserve the senators’ delicate psyches.

Alabama

Richard “Drink the Juice” Shelby
“Lex” Luther Strange

Alaska

Lisa “The Evil Queen” Murkowski
Dan “Cheesy Moustache Man” Sullivan

Arizona

John McCain “Extra Crispy Frozen Tater Tots”
Jeff “Frosted” Flake

Arkansas

John “the Snooze Man” Boozman
Tom “Cotton Eye Joe” Cotton

California

Dianne “Dirty Diana” Feinstein
“Chicken Marsala” Kamala Harris

Colorado

Michael “Bend It Like” Bennet
Cory “88 Fingers” Gardner

Connecticut

Richard “Transformer Face” Blumenthal
Chris “Weird Hair Line” Murphy

Delaware

Tom “Snaggletooth” Carper
Chris “Corn Cob Head” Coons

Florida

Bill “Half” Nelson
“Miniature” Marco Rubio

Georgia

Johnny “Droopy Dog” Isakson
David “Chicken Man” Perdue

Hawaii

Brian “The Past Tense of Shits Is” Schatz
“Crazy” Mazie Hirono

Idaho

Mike “Burn the Crepe” Crapo
Jim “Squish the Knish” Risch

Illinois

Dick “Dirk Diggler – NOT!” Durbin
Tammy “Duck, Duck, Goose” Duckworth

Indiana

“Camel Toe” Joe Donnelly
Todd “Flung the Dung” Young

Iowa

Chuck “Mow The” Grassley
“Full of Baloney” Joni Ernst

Kansas

Pat “Chrome Dome” Roberts
“Scary” Jerry Moran

Kentucky

Mitch “Banjo Mouth” McConnell
Rand “Ogilvie Home Perm” Paul

Louisiana

Bill “Sam the Eagle from The Muppets” Cassidy
John N. “The N is for ‘NOT JFK’!” Kennedy

Maine

“Suddenly” Susan Collins
Angus “100% Beef” King “Kong”

Maryland

Ben “See You in the Rose Garden” Cardin
Chris “Not Van Halen (who rocks) – Unlike This Guy” Van Hollen

Massachusetts

Elizabeth “Colors of the Wind” Warren
Ed “Bunch of Malarkey” Markey

Michigan

Debbie “Does Dallas” Stabenow
Gary “Bernadette” Peters

Minnesota

Amy Klobuchar “Broiled Burger”
Al “Don’t Call the Kettle Black Mr. President” Franken

Mississippi

“Very Bad” Thad Cochran
Roger “Nose Picker” Wicker

Missouri

Claire “Doesn’t Have a Prayer” McCaskill
Roy Blunt “Force Trauma”

Montana

Jon Tester “Tester the Horse Molester”
Steve “No Brains in His Membranes” Daines

Nebraska

“Disobedient” Deb Fischer
Ben “Sassafras” Sasse

Nevada

“Teeny Weeny Peenie” Dean Heller
Catherine “Has the Agility of the Exxon Valdez” Cortez Masto

New Hampshire

Jeanne Shaheen “Schlimazel Hasenpfeffer Incorporated”
“Pants Too Baggy” Maggie Hassan

New Jersey

“What About Bob?” Bob Menendez
Cory “Can’t Handle the Pressure Cooker” Booker

New Mexico

Tom “Nessie’s Bitch” Udall
Martin “Administer the” Heinrich “Maneuver When He Chokes”

New York

“Up” Chuck “Da Boogie” Schumer
Kirsten “I Prefer Kristen” Gillibrand

North Carolina

Richard “Gold, Frankincense &” Burr
Thom “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout” Tillis

North Dakota

John “It Isn’t Too Hard To See We’re In” Hoeven
Heidi “Swiss Miss” Heitkamp

Ohio

“Shabby 8-Track” Sherrod Brown
Rob “Definitely Not Natalie” Portman

Oregon

Ron “West Coast” Wyden
Jeff “Mastodon Breath” Merkley

Pennsylvania

Bob “The Knob” Casey, Jr.
“Gloomy” Pat Toomey

Rhode Island

Jack “Not Up To Speed” Reed
Sheldon “Doesn’t Live in the” Whitehouse

South Carolina

Lindsey Graham “Cracker Crust”
Tim Scott “Paper Towels”

South Dakota

John “The Buffoon” Thune
Mike “Out of Bounds” Rounds

Tennessee

Lamar Alexander “The Grape”
Bob “I Prefer Diminutive” Corker

Texas

John “Zeedonk” Cornyn
Ted “Slobber-knocker” Cruz

Utah

Orrin “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana” Hatch
Mike Lee “Press on Nails”

Vermont

Patrick “HVAC Technician” Leahy
Bernie “Belt” Sanders “On Sale at Home Depot”

Virginia

“No Spark” Mark Warner
“No Vigor and No Vim” Tim Kaine

Washington

Patty “Cake Patty Cake Baker’s Man” Murray
Maria “I’ve Just Met a Girl Named Maria” Cantwell

West Virginia

Joe “Unlike Me, Doesn’t Live In A” Manchin
Shelley Moore “Mashed Potatoes, Please” Capito

Wisconsin

Ron “Tiny” Johnson
“Clammy” Tammy Baldwin

Wyoming

Mike “Penis Envy” Enzi
“Genghis” John Barrasso