I don’t know about you, team, but I think it is just too beautiful outside to be cooped up in this air-conditioned office all day. And frankly, I’m getting a little fed up with all this plentiful water and convenient bathroom access. So turn that frown into a labored smile, y’all. Because we’re not going to settle for an average workday today. Oh, no. Today is going to be a complicated ordeal. Today, we’ll be working outside!!!
Nature, everyone! That still, green, magical place unencumbered by Wi-Fi or a place to charge your computer, which you will need to bring since that Keynote is still due tomorrow, there’s just less time to do it now. Thanks. Because we’re in nature! Half a square block of used-condom strewn nature!
Just feel the warmth of the sun against your skin! Feel its sweltering humidity in your armpits and crotch!! Now feel the sun shining directly in your eyes, making it impossible to see your screen and answer the urgent email I just sent you. Relax! There’s no need to stress on a perfect, 92-degree day. Simply get up immediately and address my email beneath the shade of an oak tree.
Oh, it’s Siberia under there? Well, a Sophie’s Choice between freezing to death and roasting to death is a small price to pay for being IN A SHITTY PARK! Who needs basic human necessities when you have fresh-cut, sopping-wet grass beneath your brand new pair of pants? Pants you never would have worn if you knew we’d be doing this today! Which reminds me, group: that Keynote I just said was due tomorrow is now due today!
Colleagues, why am I getting the overwhelming impression that you’re miserable? It’s almost as if my very fun idea is making this day more stressful, and yet that can’t possibly be right, because we are outside. I think we all need to stop and take a second to appreciate that work is typically done indoors, but we are currently outdoors, and that by taking an already unpleasant job and making it unnecessarily difficult, we are therefore having fun.
Would it help you de-stress to get in uncomfortable sex-like positions with your coworkers? GREAT, IT’S YOGA TIME! Okay, everybody close your eyes and take a deep cleansing breath. Breathe in… think about all the work you’re not doing because you have to do this stupid breathing exercise… and breathe out. Breathe in… hear the breeze blowing through the leaves… hear it being drowned out by a blaring speaker some guy bungie-corded to a dolly and is wheeling around the park… hear how it is truly the loudest and worst music in the world… by the way how’s that Keynote coming… I know we’re in the middle of a meditation, but I still need you to keep me updated on these things… just confirm that I’ll be getting the deliverable by EOD and I’ll let you breathe…
And open your eyes. Wow! I think we can all feel immense pressure to agree that we’re relaxed now, right? You can breathe by the way. Okay, now that we’re all feeling zen and chill and at one with nature, I’m gonna need you to admire the avian grace of that sparrow over there. FUCKING DO IT. Watch in awe as she erratically hops towards you like she’s on K2. Exult in her total disregard for your personal space and repeated attempts to shoo her away. Don’t scream as she snatches that Kind Bar right out of your hand, before gracefully soaring away, leaving behind only a majestic, arcing, yellow slap of shit onto the concrete, that a really sick looking pigeon has started to eat. IT IS THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!!! Or something.
Wow, is it really 7 PM already? I guess time flies when you’re OUTSIDE! You should probably get back to the office ASAP and finish that Keynote, no? Not to mention to the several other projects that came in while we were OUTSIDE! But don’t worry, I’ve prepared a special treat for you tomorrow to make up for it. No, not just a day off — a special day off, where all your friends from work get to come along, and also me. And best of all, you’ll never truly feel like this day has ended.
That’s right, bunch. Tomorrow you can all WORK FROM HOME!