AUNT ELLEN: “Merry Christmas, Denise!” (Your arrival at my home is a most unwelcome surprise, enemy.)

AUNT DENISE: “Merry Christmas, Ellen!” (Oh, how I long to be gone of this most wretched and unholy place.)

AUNT ELLEN: “I hope it wasn’t snowing too hard out there!” (I had hoped the snow might consume you.)

AUNT DENISE: “Oh that’s all right, it’s nice and cozy in here!” (This living room is a Hell.)

AUNT ELLEN: “I just love having the whole family under one roof.” (Ever since you cast your shadow o’er my hearthstone I have thrice cross’d myself and pull’d my hair and scream’d AWAY BEAST — alas, you remain upon my barcalounger.)

AUNT DENISE: “Yes, it’s just so good to all be together.” (Your wickedness has poisoned our bloodline. I weep for your children, born they of a gargoyle.)

AUNT ELLEN: “That scarf is exquisite. You always know the perfect thing to wear, Denise. So stylish!” (What dark incantations must the Devil utter ‘fore thou may slither from thine rotting cave each day, sister?)

AUNT DENISE: “You’re too sweet! And the tree looks beautiful Ellen. So festive!” (Thou art a husk. In you ‘tis hollow where one should find a soul, sister. Thine tree is a weed, as are thee.)

AUNT ELLEN: “May I offer you some candied almonds?” (Betrayer! Your one thousand treacheries must not go unpunished!)

AUNT DENISE: “Delish! You’ll have to send me this recipe!” (Truly you are a plague!)

AUNT ELLEN: “Will do!” (Die. Die. Die.)

AUNT DENISE: “You know Ellen, this time of year I feel most thankful for family.” (Hark, witch; I have just remembered gossip concerning our cousin Lisa.)

AUNT ELLEN: “You’re right Denise. I know we’ve had our little squabbles in the past, but I’m so grateful we can come together like this for the holidays.” (Meet me in the kitchen and tell me everything you know.)

AUNT DENISE: “This is what Christmas is all about.” (This is what Christmas is all about.)

AUNT ELLEN: “I couldn’t agree more.” (I couldn’t agree more.)