All poems are one of the following. There are no alternatives.

“I’ll have you know that I’ve had sex.”

“I went outside today, saw a bird, then immediately went back inside. Nature is beautiful.”

“Will this get you to love me?”

“Why didn’t my last poem make you love me?”

“I’m better than people who don’t fall for my love trick poems.”

“I am sad but in a way that is also… hot?”

“I got two red lights in a row. City living is a nightmare.”

“Fuck, I wish I was a kid again!”

“These people have just slept together and are Experiencing Emotions.”

A metaphor for nothing that includes the words “blade” and “shatter.”

“I saw someone using a phone and I absolutely hate them.”

“I hate young people but would very much like it if they had sex with me, please.”

“You haven’t heard this word in a while.”

“I am less mysterious than I think I am.”

“I would like one (1) friend, please.”

“Despite my siblings, I am an only child.”

“Dad! Quit it!”

“Love you, Mum!”

Just a straight-up shopping list.

“No one has written a good poem in a hundred years except for me right now.”

“I just sneezed. My body is a fragile, rotting prison.”

“D’you ever think about… identity?”

“I am sad but in a way that is also… smart?”

“You didn’t think a POEM would be talking about DRUGS did you?”

“Wouldn’t it be weird if this poem about a horrible thing was in rhyme?”

“Look, I just needed to fill a page to feel like I’d done something today.”

“You’re pretty lovely for an inanimate object.”

“I love you but too much.”

“This joke was not quite funny enough to tweet.”

“Look, I counted all these fucking iambs so you are going to fucking read them.”

“If I were alive today, I would be an incel.”

“Things are at their most serious when they are about me.”

Just a short story with odd line-breaks in lieu of narrative tension.

“Ooh, wouldn’t it be a shame if that clean surface was suddenly spattered.”

“It would be bad if I were poor.”

“I respect women and especially the ones who are like flowers.”

“All this cooking isn’t just cooking, do you understand?”

“These typos would make sense if you were smart enough.”

“The great men of history? More like the not-great men of history!!”

“Y’ever just feel nothing?”

“I am misinterpreting people’s disinterest as mixed messages.”

“I hate my friends. Please don’t tell them.”

“You know, I’m beginning to suspect that this whole gender thing is a bit more complicated than I’ve been told.”

“I am sad but in a way that is also… sad?”