WANTED: Mechanic for 1983 flying DMC DeLorean. Candidate must specialize in flux capacitor and time circuit repairs so vehicle can consistently reach 88 M.P.H. and avoid getting sent back in time to 1885. Contact Doc Brown or Marty McFly at 555-0134.
WANTED: Anyone willing to put Baby in a corner. Seriously. She’s annoying. Please contact Johnny Castle at 555-9987.
WANTED: Karate Instructor, preferably not of Okinawan descent, to teach bullied Reseda resident. Candidate must possess ability to teach karate using traditional means, not through a variety of obscure menial tasks such as car waxing and fence painting. Crane kick certification not required. Contact Lucille LaRusso at 555-9257.
WANTED: Licensed clinical psychologist needed to evaluate Iowa farmer. Candidate must have experience dealing with clients who hear voices, love baseball and have daddy issues. Expertise in paranormal activity a must. If you call, we will pay. Please contact Annie Kinsella at 555-4421.
WANTED: Someone to effectively phone home, thereby avoiding any calamitous effects of not being able to phone home. Contact Elliot at 555-8484.
WANTED: Ophthalmologist/Robotics Engineer willing to provide emergency eye surgery on a Series 800 Terminator Model 101 in a seedy Los Angeles hotel. Dystopian future in peril without appropriate surgical intervention. Please contact Cyberdyne Systems at 1-800-555-2525.
WANTED: Two high-school underachievers are looking for totally radical historical tour guide. Candidate must be willing to teach history through traditional means and not by traveling through time in a fucking phone booth to abduct important historical figures. Ability to play air guitar preferred. Contact Bill and Ted at 555-0202.
WANTED: Police detective looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from German terrorists preferred. Please contact John McLane at 555-1464.
WANTED: Detention specialist needed to oversee a group of angst-ridden teenagers for nine hours. Must be willing to work weekends. Experience dealing with stereotypical jocks, nerds, petty criminals, princesses and whack jobs a must. I’d do it myself, but I hate kids. Contact Richard “Dick” Vernon at 555-1133.
WANTED: Mediation professional with expertise in working with both Vietnam veterans and tyrannical small-town sheriffs. Cold weather backpacking experience and knowledge of large hunting knives required. Please contact Colonel Samuel Trautman at 555-4421.
WANTED: Non-reckless Navy pilot who has a need, a need for speed, but isn’t willing to be a fucking maniac while flying dangerous missions. Send résumé to Charlie at 555-1114.
WANTED: Clandestine rock-n-roll dance instructor for small Midwestern town needed to teach deprived white kids how to dance to songs that really shouldn’t even be danced to. Please contact Vi Moore at 555-8877.