Hello, ladies! If you’re reading this, congratulations! I’m officially considering you as one of my bridesmaids. In order to stand by my side on the big day, all you have to do is complete this teensy, weensy little scavenger hunt. So cute, right? Let the games begin!

Your first challenge is to figure out where I put my favorite earrings! I haven’t seen them since I was seven, and I’d love to wear them during the first half of the rehearsal dinner’s pre-cocktail hour wine huddle. The last place I remember seeing them is on the dresser in my childhood home, which burned down in 2004. But, I also have a vague memory of wearing them in 2005 while my family was on vacation in the Maldives. Or were we in Greece…? Either way, we stayed in a blue house near the beach, and the vacation ended abruptly when the house tragically burned down. First one to find my earrings gets to wax my bikini line!

Now, every bride-to-be is juggling a million different tasks leading up to her wedding. So, doesn’t it make sense that her bridesmaids should be able to juggle, too? Ladies, your next task is to complete a three-day training seminar at the Illinois Juggling Institute!

Since the Illinois Juggling Institute is only intended for public school students, you’ll have to disguise yourselves as students from the nearby Zion Concord Lutheran School. But fear not! I’ve already obtained student IDs from real-life students at Zion Concord by sneaking into the Zion Concord cafeteria, giving eight students a week’s worth of psychedelics, and paying them $2,000 to sleep under a bridge until Thursday. I can’t wait to see your juggling routines! Katie, your name for the week is Omar.

Being a bridesmaid requires quick thinking and flexibility. You know what else requires quick thinking and flexibility? Navigating the American judicial system! Ladies, I’ve implicated each one of you in misdemeanor hit-and-run cases. All of your cases are being overseen by judges with a history of ruling with their hearts, not their heads. Can you successfully make an emotional appeal that’ll convince your judge that this is all just one big, messy misunderstanding? I sure hope so — all of your cases are being heard in two hours, so start whipping up those testimonial statements! (Punishment for misdemeanor hit-and-run is up to six months in jail — eek!)

Now, I know that last challenge might’ve seemed a bit extreme. You might be thinking, “That was the most harrowing experience of my life,” or “I’m going to have you arrested!” Well, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to arrest a bride-to-be (trust me — she’s got enough on her plate!). Also, if you were to have me arrested, you’d miss out on your next challenge: getting a full-body massage!

That’s right, ladies. This one’s on me! Your masseuse will be none other than my cousin, Todd, who needs as much practice as he can get before he applies for his massage therapy license. And to those who can’t quite place where they’ve seen Todd, let me just say that anything you saw Todd accused of on the local news is demonstrably false (excluding the stuff with the dogs … so sad).

Feeling relaxed? Good! Your next challenge, which is relevant because I sometimes act against my own interests, is to go serve as a foreign emissary in Uzkabjan as they grapple with overthrowing their autocratic regime in favor of a democratic government! Your task is to convince the Uzkabjani people that while democracy is the right mode of governance, it’s best to bring about democracy peacefully. Your passports are hidden at the restaurant where Kyle and I shared our first kiss! Hire a translator. You have two days.

(Note: please post any photos you take in Uzkabjan with the hashtag #PeaceTalksAndBeachFrocks to avoid disqualification!)

Assuming you successfully broker peace in Uzkabjan, your final task is to hop on the first flight back to Nashville and bring me one of those little bags of trail mix they serve on planes. I haven’t eaten in four days and am growing lightheaded.

If you’ve successfully completed my scavenger hunt, congratulations! You’ve been chosen to be one of my bridesmaids! Now, while Kyle and I aren’t “technically” engaged, he’s been acting distant and weird lately, so I think he’s going to propose soon! In fact, I’m going over to his apartment right now, and I’m pretty sure he’s going pop the question tonight. Eek!

Expect to hear from me shortly!